So I woke up feeling sad...mostly because I went to bed feeling sad. I called my boss, told her my mom needed me around for the morning--which is kinda true--and I went back to take a nap.
I awoke thinking that my Dad's last thoughts on this Earth could have been anger, directed at me. I made the call for him to go the hospita. I had him connected to machines. I took him away from home.
I hope he wasn't mad...
I keep thinking this, mostly becaue almost everyone else has "felt his presence." I have once. AT work, when I was overwhelmed and I need to talk to someone, I managed to pull it together and I felt way to calm. I attribute that to my dad...
Ah christ, I'm cring.
I hate it when I accidently leave blogger, then I come back to a blank page. I'd been working on a post for 2 hours, and it got deleted because I have an iq of a retarded lemur. Now I'm not so sure I want to go back and work on it...but maybe I should.
See, I've been thinking a lot about love lately. Going to a lot of weddings does that to a person. Yet, its more than that. See, I've been thinking alot about all sorts of stages of love, and how quickly people fall into, and out, of love. Making the entire situation worse is how people can confuse love for other things: Friendship, stomach aches, lust or craziness. People can even mistake the idea of being in love with someone into being in love with the idea of being in love. That one is my favorite. It always, always leds to a fucked up ending and days of tragedy, drama and hurt feelings. Which, of course, I love. Great to write and complain about. Being Irish, I love misery.
but I digress...
Neil Gaiman wrote, "Love belongs to Desire, and Desire is always cruel." He's right, mostly because I think--yeah, it happens sometimes--that even when love changes or fades away, a part of that feeling will always linger. Desires have a tendency to do that--to linger, fester and take over a rational mind. A lot of times, these lingering thoughts (maybe desires) hold us back when we want to try and be friends. Its these post-love desires that screw up the willingness to be friends and always end up in some form of Drama.
Yet, at the same time, at some level I also think that many times, one of the lingering desires one has is the desire to make a significant other happy. Granted, this may fade quickly, but I think its usualy the sour grapes phenomenon. (Those scary fuckwads who are all about control need not even attempt to identify with this. They're fuckwads. I'm a bastard. Big difference)
A lot of times, we delude ourselves into thinking that we are the only ones who can do that for our former loves--hence the sour grapes thing. Long after someone ends the relationship, the amazing human brain has this capacity to turn even our best intentions into horrible, drama filled escapades worthy of junior high kids. Lord knows I've done this a few dozen times, and I've seen others do it to. Anyone reading this--not that many people do read this--should be able to think of one person who attempted to be friends with an Ex, then managed to mangle the entire situation, despite their best of intentions. If you can't, then you're lying.
All this boils down to the fact that for a long, long time, i've been trying to figure out how I feel about a number of people what I used to be in love with. A few of these people, make my ideas sound like crap--the feelings I have left for them are not sour grapes, but anger--yet overall, the majority of them I still have ambigious (lingering) feelings for. That has led to a very confusing, and at times bitter, state of mind.
I've finally come to a conclusion though. See, I've always thought that the person I'm in love with should be happy. Hell, I like my friend, coworkers and clients to be happy. See, thats the key. Happiness. If one truly, truly loves someone else, they have to eventually realize that if they can't make someone happy, then one needs to let someone else do it. Unfortunately, most people are too stupid to realize this. Worse still, even if one is smart enough to realize that they have to let the one they love go, its such a huge blow to their ego that they may choose to Not let them go...which leads to more drama and the tragic end of a relationship...
...but you know what? When you see two people that you care about, happier together than they were ever on their own (or with oneself), you can't help but feel a happy for them. Sure , you may feel jealous and doubt what you've done--that takes a long time to go away, and you've gotta work at it--but seeing the person you once loved happy can actually make you feel better.
After, of course, you get over being an idiot.
Listening to: The Reputation, "The Reputation"
and
Paul Oakenfold, "Bunkka"
Jesus. I went about 5 days with about 20 hours of sleep or so. I was too groggy and grumpy to post. I was then busy doing all sorts of things: Driving to Wisconsin, Michigan and hanging out with friends.
I then realized I was spending too much time playing video games. So I stopped. I watched movies and typed other things instead. This hasn't done much for my eyes.... but who the hell cares? My bosses do, I guess. They told me I need to focus in on my current projects and calm down. In a very compassionate, understanding way, they basically said, "Focus on your work and take care of yourself before you burn out, jackass."
Well, I added the jackass part. If they had even implied the jackass part, I would be able to say something about it. Instead, I had to recognize how I'm doing my best not to pay attention to whats actually going on in my life. There is no reason why I can't focus on whats going on with me now. Which really sucks, as I'd rather just be in denial for as long as possible. It also sucks because that means I have follow regular schedules and stuff... Which means early to bed and early to rise.
Screw that healthy,weathly and wise crap. Ben Franklin was smoking a ton of opium when he spewed that happy horseshit.
So my former roommate, and one of the best guyst i've ever known, married a really fantastic person yesterday. I will freely admit i've had my doubts, and at times, I've felt that she was to blame... But seeing how happy they make each other--and to hear him talk about it, and the nitty-gritty about their relationship--I officially and publically rescind any and all about them. She has nothing but the best in mind for him, and he thinks the world of her.
However, I do have one complaint: I do not like being hit on by friends of mine. Especially ones who I will not date.
And if that is the only complaint I have about a wedding, it should be perfectly clear as to how wonderful the wedding was.
i'm going to try and get back to some semblance of normalcy.that means bed in 10 minutes.
My new favorite word? Fuckwad(s)
The human brain has amazing capacities.
Too bad most people are stupid to realize this.
I have spent most of the night not wanting to go to sleep. These are not for whiney reasons--I just don't want to sleep. I feel like its a waste of time.
I saw that now, but after I hit the snooze bar 15 times...
Ugh.
Good night
Listening to: Paul Okenfold, "Send me an Angel" remix
Two months. thats how Long its been since my dad passed away. i don't miss him any less... In fact, I miss him more and more each day. i'm wondering at what point my heart is just going to collapse. I'm having a hard time understanding all of this...
How do I explain. Its been two months since
*i've heard my dad speak to me
*gotten advice from him
*made fun of Bush with him
*ranted about conservatives with him
*and heard him say how much he missed me being home.
The last one, while annoying, was reassuring. Its hard living in his house, taking care of my mom, and not... not feeling his presence.
There, I said it, I don't feel his presence. Unlike my mom or my aunts, I can't seem to find my dad in this house. Or feel that he is watching over me 24/7. All I feel is horrible, mind-numbing loss sometimes. not all the time; my grief doesn't interfere with my work or with my job. It's just hard to do things.
We have family friend who has psychic talks with my dad. I'm pretty sure that he's not a part of these things, not just because I think psychic powers should be left to sci-fi and comic books, but because these "words from beyond" are not things my dad would say unless he was really drunk. Anyway, this friend says that my Dad misses my mom and blah blah blah. It wasn't sarcastic enough, or bitter or powerful enough to come from my dad.
Dad this, dad that. I can't help it... I miss him.
I want to tell the $1000 cat story, but I'm too tired to get all the fact straight.
Goodnight you bastards.
(Listening to: They Might Be Giants, Flood (Thank you iTMS))
I can't believe I haven't posted since my temper tantrum. Wow.
I can't stick around and do much here now either... its been a weird week or two ...
But, to sum up, I'm a sucker, and I've really begun to appreciate my aunts more and more.
Now, I go to parties!
I hate it here.
I really do. I hate living in the house where I grew up, with a mother who is not doing well. I hate living in the suburbs. The people are more fake than they are in my neighborhood--and those motherfuckers are pretty goddamn fake.
I hate worrying about my entire families finances.
I hate missing my father everytime I sleep here.
I hate being selfish. I keep worrying about my non-existant social life...or how I wish I had one.
I hate gaining weight that I lost months ago.
I can't stand the way these people drive here.
I really, really want to get the hell out of here.
