Law and Order
I'm still packing boxes, but they're different types of boxes. I have moved on from essential stuff (actually, thats just most of my clothes) to the family mementos. I am doing this while watching Law and Order.
My Dad HATED Law and Order. He said he knew one of the producers, and a few of the writers. Pretty much, he felt that he could have gotten each and every defendant on the show off, if not Life Without the Possibility of Parole. Any time one of the lawyers pulled a dirty trick, he would be furious.
"How can you like this show?! It's endorsing an attack on the of the first/fourth/five Amendment."
I just thought it was a fun, mindless show. Nowadays, I argue with it. He was right, he could have argued around any of the lawyers.
Anyway, in addition to packing I'm...really, doing nothing else. Its seriously just packing. I have a ton of things that I need to move out of my room, and I was supposed to have it done by tomorrow. hell, the Condo was supposed to have been done by tomorrow. Is it going to happen. Nope. So, in addition to doing some decorating on the 28, Canuck and I are going to be moving stuff. That is not what I want to do, but at least I get to spend time with her.
Done with the self pity
One post, 6 public responses, 2 private responses. I get the picture.
Granted, I fired sis, but, she gets fired often.
Everyone once in a while, I freak out. I used to do talk to my dad about it. Now...
Now I just talk to a bunch of people
Thank you, everyone.
Command-R Refreshes the Page
If you use safari. Just in case any mac user was wondering. See, I just discovered that after I written a lot of stuff. Granted, since I wrote it, it is mostly drivel. Still, it is going to be a pain in the ass writing it all again....
So maybe I won't.
Anyway, I'm feeling terribly down today. I predict feeling down tomorrow too. See, it's father's day. Notice I didn't capitalize it. As if my brain wasn't full of worry, now I miss my dad terribly. when I get like this, I doubt everything, even things i am was sure about just minutes before. So, imagine a small bit of cold feet that one normally has when they are planning on spending the rest of their lives with someone. Now add a lot of self doubt. It just keeps building and building.... or spiraling downward. Take your pick of stupid saying's, I'm too depressed to bother.
Right now, I wonder why someone like Canuck would even bother with me. I wonder why Will would even bother asking me to be one of his best men. I wonder why anyone even gives a shit. I am nothing but a pale imitation of my father; and he's gone. My mom is getting sicker, and I can't do a damn thing to make her feel better. My family thinks they need me, but I'm pretty sure it's just to keep my mom happy or that I'm a poor substitute for my brother.
I know this shit isn't true. Usually. Right now, it's an uphill battle just getting through the night...
Then I get a phone call from my brother and I talk to canuck. things brighten almost immediately. It's amazing what an email from the person you love can do for your self esteem.
Way back before "Back in the day"
I wonder what my dad did when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 91. I mean, I remember him drinking way too much with a priest friend, and I remember him crying the day he told me about it.
What I don't know, what I don't get, is how he managed to work and deal with my crap at the same time (I'd bring up my brother and his own teenage insanity, but he never got caught, so my dad only worried about his grades). I wonder how my dad was when no one was around; when he was in his office or when everyone was asleep and he was downstairs watching Nightline....
I can guess to what he did. I remember him being short with me. I also remember him focusing a lot, and putting up a brave front. I know that he worked to keep everything together, including himself, and he would use my brother and I as support. By support I mean he took our dependance (I was 14 and stupid, my brother was 12) and transformed it into a sense of strength--"do it for them."
When we were older, and the cancer came back, I was in college. My dad relied heavily on my brother, and he was very clear about his worries. I think he allowed himself to show what he was feeling, as he felt that we could handle it.
He still went to work and saved lives.
A few years ago, when the cancer came back again, we all banded together. We were winning for a while, then we lost some ground. Then, we lost my dad. WE almost lost my mom.
14 months later, the cancer is back again. Things are very different this year; my dad is gone, I feel very distant from my brother and my Mom just doesn't seem as strong as she was last year. Even though she was bed-ridden, she was very clear that she was going to win. This time, she is much more run down, and the chemo has taken a pretty heavy toll on her.
On the plus side though, I have amazing family and friends, a fairly understanding job, some (if not all of) my dad's strength AND I have an ally. She's moving here soon. Granted, it's not soon enough, but it is soon.
I am reminding myself that this is only a set back, and that together, we can get my mom's cancer back into remission. The initial shock is not completely settled, and I am handling this differently than my dad, but the fact remains that this is only a set back. when the new chemo starts, we'll just be kicking ass and taking names with a platinum based chemo drug.
A night that ends badly
...leads to a bad day.
I won't get into details, as they're too petty to bring up, but all those petty details have lead to one miserable fucking day.
I'm sorry Virginia. I really am.
Is Patrick There?
"Hello"
"Hello?"
"HELLO?
"Hello, is Patrick Gleason there?"
"I'm sorry, he passed away a year ago."
"Oh. Is his name still on the phone bill?"
----
Now, how should I have handled that? I came close to just letting this tele-marketer have it. Very Close. Instead I said very politely:
"No, I'm sorry, he passed away a year ago. And I find it very disturbing that the first think you say to me is is his name on the phone bill. Please, take me off your list."
I was extremely restrained.
I wish that I was rational
I can't even start this post out right. I've got a lot on my mind. Marriage, life, death--one year ago tomorrow, I lost my dad--work, food..
yeah, food. See, my dad's favorite restaurant is called Emilio's; a Tapas restaurant. It's going to be a quick drive from the Chemo lab--where I will spend most of my time with my mom tomorrow. I don't want to do this at all.
I don't want to go to the Chemo lab. I don't want to go to Emilio's. I want to spend time with friends and family. Let me be more clear, I'd prefer to spend, at least tomorrow after work, with Canuck. What bugs me the most is that I want to talk to her, despite the fact that I don't want to burden her with all of the emotions that are coming to the fore...
I also wanted to write about how sick I am of hearing about Reagan. Hell, I'll go to work on friday, even if we get a day off. Bah. Old guy isn't worth my time.
For once, I actually think that I'm with someone who can deal with me. That makes me miss her more. That makes me miss her more...which makes my mood worse. Then, as I worry, I begin to doubt even more. See the spiral I'm in?
I refuse, however, to let my doubts get the best of me. When I figure out how to stop this crap, I'll write about it.
I simply do not care
I refuse to apologize or feel guilty about this, but I could care less that Ronnie Regan is dead. If I had my druthers, he would have died in prison for treason.
Comeback later for more "the mick is in love" talk.
How you know you're in love...
Will asked a few questions on his
blog a while back, and in the spirit of ripping off every good idea i've seen (or read) I was wondering, what are some signs that say, "I'm in love."
This is a topic I might have brought up a while ago, but, I didn't see the point. But today, as I work on a CD for Canuck, I realize that I am using music that I do not like, but I know that she does. given my tendencies towards elitism and snobbery, I think this is a huge step.
So, comment below. Please.
Worries
I worry too much about things in the past, present and future. Things that I have no business worrying about. I've done this for years. I would like to stop this unnecessary worrying. Anyone have any suggestions?
On a somewhat related note, on June 9, 2004, I will only talk to people who are on this list:
•You are a my Fiancee
•You are a member of my family
Or You
1) Attended my father's funeral and was either a pall bearer or did a reading
2) Lived on the same floor as I did in Bushnell hall, and I still talk to you
3) you live in Brazil and are quite possibly a spy
4) you went to Beloit college, live in Seattle, Wa or Portland, Or and I saw you over the New Year
5) we met in LTHS's Operation Snowball in the years of 1992-1999
6) you contributed to the design of the Funeral program or you are a significant other of a designer of said program.
7) you live in New Hampshire, and we haven't talked since my dad died
8) you traveled at least 1 hour to my dad's funeral, and had to return to work quickly
9) You work for Probation, and I make an effort to talk to you during the work week.
10) you flew in, or drove in, from another state to help my family.
There will be no exceptions... unless I add it to the list.
If you want to send good will and karma, post a comment.
Help, Mojo and good Karma
Dear Readers:
Canuck is planning on moving in with me, and we will need help with immigration matters. Visas and what not. If all of you who have such contacts would be so kind as to pass them my way, my thanks will be eternal.
By thanks, I mean I will provide:
Beer
Booze
Free Counseling
Chauffeur service
Fancy Dinners
A place to crash in Chicago
I will visit you when you want me to visit
Access to a number of family recipes
Phone calls from my mom--she likes talking to people
A bunny rabbit
cookies
Punches in the stomach.
Being punched in the stomach
Video Games
and any and all reasonable requests. Being a Probation office,r I do get to decide what is a reasonable request.
So.... if you don't know anyone who can help, just send good thoughts this way. Or to Edmonton. They need good thoughts too. Their hockey team sucks, and they just lost the 101st annual "Hockey Hair and Mullet Competition" to some guy in the Maritime Provinces.
Seriously.
