One Pretentious Bastard

Teh Gnu Blog

2007-06-02T16:55:00.000-05:00

Its more customizable than Blogger--but I have yet to customize it. Good job me.

For Jackie

2007-05-19T16:38:00.000-05:00

My dear, sweet, wonderful and caring sister has stated that she thinks that, given my job (let alone any other issues in my life), I should talk to some type of counselor. I am not opposed to this. I have seen counselors before after particularly traumatizing events (exceptionally bad break ups and death in my family). Right now I don't think I need to go see one; however, In order to show Jackie that I value her opinion, I will now write up how the first session would go.

Counselor (C): Marty, very nice meeting you. Sorry about all the paperwork, but that's the price of managed care (small chuckle). So, can you tell me what brings you here?

Me (M): (Scans the room for certificates, awards and) Sure, but i have a few questions first.

C: (Non-plussed) Sure, fire away.

M: Thanks, can you tell me a little bit about your therapeutic approach?

C: What do you mean?

M: You know, what sort of theroies of personality you subscribe to, your methodology in regards to to treatment. Cognitive Behavioral, psychodynamic, biological?

C: Ah, I subscribe mostly to a CBT approach, with a few other philosophies thrown in for good measure. Why do you ask?

M: Because if you said Psychodynamic or hinted at Freudian crap, I would have walked out right away. (here I smile to show that I'm kind of kidding) Anyway, I have a few more questions. Have you ever worked with kids with sexual behavior problems.

C: I've worked with victims before--were you victimized as

M: Nope. I just work the abusers. Since you've worked with victims, do you have any experience at helping others develop better self-care plans?

C: Not particularly, no, but I do have my own plan.

M: Well, thats something we could talk about.

C: Do you need help with work issues.

M: That's only part of it. Do you have any experience at grief counseling?

C: A little bit. My, I've never been asked so many questions before. Have you seen a counselor before?

M: Yup. I'll sign the release so you guys can compare notes if she has any--I'd go back to her if it wasn't back in suburbia. I am looking for places closer to work and home.

C: Well that's entirely understandable. What did you processes with her?

M: Grief issues, mild depression, a terrible relationship and a little bit of secondary trauma.

C: How did it work out?

M: Well, fine I supppose. It lasted for maybe 15 months. The death of my father kicked it off; my mom's death and the horrible engagement I was in extended it.

C: I'm sorry for your loss--how long ago did they pass away.

M: My mom passed away in sept. of 05, my dad June of 03. It hasn't gotten any easy, I just have better ways of coping.

C: And you said you were engaged.

M: Yeah, that was a bad idea. It didn't work out--and we just brought out the worst in each other. She meant well and I loved her more than anyone--but she could only handle things by being, well, abusive.

C: I see. What do you mean

M: (Stare). I am not comfortable talking about that right now. this is just an intake--to see if we're a fit as client and counselor. Nothing personal, but, I can only talk to one person about this right now. ITs been two years and I'm still a bit upset about it.

C: I understand, take your time. What are the other things you might need to talk about?

M: Lets see. Failed relationship that still bugs me and, on occasion, complicates my attempts to date other people. I miss my parents terribly. My job is draining--on every possible front--and it gets more complicated every day. My brother and sister and law thing I'm a whiney little bi--I mean brat. I also want to go back to school, but I don't feel like i have moxie, wherewithal, support or brain power to do it. I also feel rather bitter about life in general. That about covers it.

C: I sure we would have a lot to talk about then.

M: Oh, I know we do. But what is that going to accomplish? Seriously, talking to an independent and non-judgmental would be good for me, but I think I know what I need to do?

C: Then why aren't you doing it?

M: Good question. I'm not entirely sure that talking to you about it, or talking to anyone else particularly, will help me out either.

C: But, and I'm sure you know this, talking things out can be helpful.

M: I whole-heartedly believe this. AT the same time, I feel so pressured to get things together and have a great life--and to be honest, there isn't anything you can tell me that I can't direct myself to do or find--I feel that this may be a waste of time.

C: Did you feel that about your otehr counselors?

M: The psychodynamic one that wanted to talk about my dad, yeah. The grief therapist, not at all. But I only started seeing her when I was at my wits end. I've got a few months left before I feel that way.

C: But why wait?

M: Because I think i can do this on my own and with the support I have. I just need to do more and not burden my brother and sister-in-law.

C: Do you often feel like a burden?

M: (Stare). Oh gee. Its been a clinical hour. I'll schedule a follow up next week. Thanks.

Lists

2007-05-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

I am not fond of to-lists (hereafter referred to as Lists). Every time I make one I am compelled to go into obsessive detail about each and every item. Given the number of details, each objective becomes more difficult to attain. In about five objectives, i am overwhelmed and i give up on the list. For example, in this post, I am giving up on punctuation and proper capitalization.

I am doing this becasue I am old and tired. Old, tired and thinking about making a new list. This list, unlike most of my lists, would be public. It will also be manageable.

Part of this list will include kicking Chuck in the nuts. Don't get me wrong, I like Chuck a lot, but reminding me to blog in the comments has earned him a nut-kicking.

Bored

2007-04-24T21:45:00.000-05:00

You Are Mud Pie

You're the perfect combo of flavor and depth
Those who like you give into their impulses

What Kind of Pie Are You?

April 25

2007-04-24T00:41:00.000-05:00

It isn't 4/20 or 4/24 but 4/25. It strikes me as odd that I can't remember anyone's birthday. There are notable exceptions:

Jack: 7/4
Tony: 4/3
Jackie: 4/2
Mom: 7/20
me: 7/14
Canuk: 7/16

I can narrow a few people down to a few days too:

q: 6/14-6/16
Zach: 7/12 or 7/13
Will: 8/28 or 8/29

That's it. I can't remember my godchildren's, friends, or cousins' birthdays. I should write them all in one of my many address books...but I keep forgetting to do that too.

What bugs me is that I forgot my Dad's birthday. I didn't miss it--it's wednesday--but I forgot it. To make up for this, I'm trying to remember a story about my dad. One that I haven't written down before.

-
I can't think of one that I'd like to share. Tonight, I'm keeping those memories to myself.

Because we, as American's, are Fat, Lazy and Stupid...

2007-04-22T12:07:00.000-05:00

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
- George Bernard Shaw

On the other blog (the link is around here somewhere) I am doing more than writing quotes...but today is a nice day in chicago, and I am going to go for a walk and rent power tools to liberate my bike.

What about Willful Ignorance?

2007-04-20T16:17:00.000-05:00

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad.
- Bob Edwards

I propose the following addendum: that willfull ignorance is worse.

Quotes

2007-04-16T20:10:00.000-05:00

We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?

Ray Bradbury (1920 - ), Fahrenheit 451, 1953

Atlanta Breakfast

2007-04-02T22:29:00.001-05:00

Atlanta Breakfast
Originally uploaded by officergleason.

All I wanna do is drink beer for breakfast
All I wanna eat is them BBQ chips
All I want is someone just to try to protect us
You can try but you'd never wanna try to defend us

Hey, well I'm broke
But I'm gonna pay for some rum

All I wanna do is stand in this lie
All I wanna pick is your nose honey, hi
Sweet little corner, know you gotta be... aha!
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

Honey, well I'm broke
But I'm gonna pay from some rum

Honey, where I'm from
Halle-fuckin-lujah
Where I'm from...

Baby boy's fine...
Baby boy's drunk...
Baby boy's a ... bah bah bah

All I wanna do is drink beer for breakfast

On Cooking

2007-04-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

Currently, I'm reading Heat by Bill Buford. It's a memoir of his time in Mario Batali's restaurant, Babbo. One of the sous-chef's taught Bill how to, "cook with love." He goes on to write that the success of a meal is determined by how much love is included in the preparation. Simply put, this sums up my entire families history of cooking.

What made my father's pancakes the best pancakes in the world was not how he tweaked the recipe. It was the amount of care he put into each batch—and anyone who had ever eaten breakfast at my house can attest to that fact. My dad wanted to make sure that everyone who ate at our table knew that they loved.

My dad cooked breakfast for Tony and I from kindergarten to high school. On those rare occasions where my mom had to "fill in" she invariably got it wrong. She didn't know what my dad called the various breakfast items (all star-wars references, of course). Also, breakfast wasn't her thing. As much as my mom loved tony and I, breakfast wasn't he way of showing how she cared.

With one major exception.

My mom made Crepes once the year after my dad died. If breakfast was his thing, then crepes were his specialty. Technically, this is brunch—but I don’t want to be too bogged down in minutiae. This was his Mother's day gift to my mom. The meal was always this: Home-made crepes, home-made maple-butter, chicken livers in Madeira sauce, bacon, sausage and Mimosa's. Tony and I were to clean the table and do the dishes. A few times, I made sure that fresh flowers were available for my mom too. It is impossible to understate how my dad prepared this meal and what it meant to my mom.

I want to say she made it on Mother's day. I spent the night at home, tony and Jackie came for brunch. She spent the morning attempting the recipe, trying to make the maple butter and getting the crepes perfect. I think she even did the chicken livers. The hardest part of the meal was cooking the crepes right. We had this persnickety old crepe maker, and according to my mom, only my dad knew how to use it. After she ruined the first five crepes, she threw a fit.

According to my mom, she slammed the lid of the crepe maker down and, nearly in tears yelled, "Alright Pat, I know this is your meal, but I am going to make it. Either you help me or you get the hell out of my kitchen." Her next crepe cooked in the shape of a heart. She said it was cooked perfectly.

That is how I want to cook. I want to master all the recipes that my mom and dad had:—From the grilling to crepes. This means I am going to need more people to cook for.

This also means I an going to have to buy groceries instead of a variety of beer.

Lists

2007-04-01T13:23:00.000-05:00

I am going to Atlanta to visit Will and Sara. The trip is far too short to qualify as vacation, and I suspect I will be drinking enough to kill off a number of weak brain cells. As long as this drinking does not include any Rum, I believe I will be okay. If the trip does include rum, I would like my possessions to be divvied up in the following way:

•Sara can have my condo.
•Tony can have my car
•Lauren can have my music (just make copies of it for others)
•Jessie can have my desktop
•Gina can have my lap top
•Michael can have my bike
•Williamson can have my debts
•Jackie can have my share of the cabin, paid for by my 401k
•Greg can have the old katana's
•Will can have my dad's law books and notes
•Seth can have the Guinness glasses.
•Eric can have the old g4 desktop
•Wagner can have my badge.
•Caitlin can have that Yeats book I promised her

Whatever cash I have in my pension is to be split between Eli and Sydney

rambling when I should be asleep

2007-03-24T00:20:00.000-05:00

For stupid reasons I woke up in a bad mood this morning. It took me a while to get motivated and feel good about myself and what I do. Part of the process included: Wearing pants that Tony can't fit in anymore, crap in my hair that makes me far too metro, and listening to music as loud as I can in my car. The problem with this solution rests primarily in my car. On Feb 12, I was in car accident. i am stuck in a Corolla that I cannot stand (its saving grace is that it's free). The car drives fine but the radio reception is bad. Worse still, the speakers distort when the damn thing gets to a decent "Windows Down" volume. I was enjoying all of the music I recently purchased (Andrew Bird, Modest Mouse, Ted Leo and Regina Spektor if you need to know) and it would get so static-y and crackly that I couldn't listen to it. Hell, I couldn't listen to WBEZ for the same reason--no fm reception.

By the time I finished my visits, I had come to the conclusion that I creating too many obstacles for myself. My most recent excuse for not finishing my grad school apps, "I need more balance in my life, and lord knows I want more than just work. Grad School would have me doing even more work." I justify my failure by saying, "I need a better social life." When I get a better social life, I say, "I need more cues."

No, I'm not going to explain that.

Starting sunday , I am going to just do a few things. No to-do lists, no organizing tasks. I am going to write more of this stupid personal statement and realize I have been given cues.

Blog Change

2007-03-23T23:40:00.000-05:00

I am moving the blog. My original plan of hosting it myself has fallen by the wayside for now, but I have been thinking about it for so long that i feel that I just have to do it. that being said, a few goals have to be reached:

1) Figure out how to do enough CSS for the blog to make it pretty
2) have a real comment system

Because I want more flexibility I am switching to wordpress. I've staked out a url and even posted a, "Coming soon" thread.

This also means I get to use ecto again.

Draft

2007-03-21T13:50:00.000-05:00

I started this at 1:30. I posted it at 1:51. This is still in draft form.

She asked me, "how do you deal with people like me." I made therapuetic eye contact with her, avoiding looking at her shattered nose and said, "Easily." I smiled softly, she brightened and calmed down. Granted, she was calm for thirty seconds before she lost her focus again--but for thirty seconds, she was lucid, calm and almost at peace.

I lied to her face. Her nose was crooked, bulbous and had a third nostril, courtesy of her paramour of over 19 years. She stayed with him because she hoped he would change. She didn't leave him after he hit their oldest with a broom. She didn't leave him after she threatened to kill the children because of the abuse. She didn't leave him when he beat the middle child, my client, into unconsciousness with a shoe. She won't leave him because he provides the money for her drugs.

I don't know her coping drug of choice: The state of her body screams heroin, her behaviors indicate meth, but she was in desperate need of a fix. Getting her to talk about her children, the ones who sexually abused her daughter well over 60 times, sent her into hysterics. One minute she was yelling, the next she was crying, then she was laughing. She didn't say who abused her--she just said she called it, "incest, because rape is what happens outside of the family."

The most outrageous part of this entire affair: We knew about it. We, meaning the System, knew about this family. When DCFS heard about the oldest son's abuse of the middle child and the little girl, they put him in Hartgrove, Michael Reese and one other hospital. Mom, in a fit of hysterics, says she has the paperwork somewhere, but she can't remember.

Father doesn't want to. He's a real south sider, "I don't talk about my fucking problems, I just fucking deal with them." He doesn't even remember when the oldest one came back. He says he doesn't remember that the oldest one re-offended the llittle girl a week after coming home.

DCFS gets him 6 months of treatment then sends him home; SASS provides 4-5 years of individual counseling. It was not JSO specific. The oldest son continues to abuse for at least four more years. We failed this child.

Probation didn't know. We didn't get this case, at least, not initially. Because of the law, he'll be treated as an adult. That same law allows him to receive juvenile court services. We may see him yet. The damage is done: We failed this family.

We got the middle child. Before I retire, we'll get the little boy and the little girl. We failed the oldest, we failed the family. God help us if we fail these two.

Comments!!

2007-03-21T00:52:00.000-05:00

If Marianne is Marianne M, then she should know she is my favorite Marianne.

Jack: I will write however the hell I want. Go finish a term paper on Dylan.

Jess: The writer's circle is on hold. Which means I've been editing my piece for a few weeks now. It still isn't done, but it's getting there.

--

When I started blogging, I turned off comments. I didn't really care what other people wanted to say or bother trying to decipher their input. Blogging was a way of venting. Now, despite my lack of regular posting, blogging is something else. Christ if I know what it is yet, but comments are more important to me than ever.
.
--

Last thought: Warren Ellis wrote this on his blog:

When you start worrying about whether someone likes you, or whether you’re going to get what you want, or whether you’ll ever become the person you want to be, just remember –

– we’re all doomed.

Doom. It's on everyone's to do list.

Good Times

2007-03-19T19:24:00.000-05:00

Two people, completely independent of each other, have both mentioned that 1) I am sounding far too melancholy for my own good and 2) I haven't written anything of consequence. This is no where near what I want to portray. I'm busy, poor and living alone--but I am, more often than not, having a grand old time.

For whatever reason, I don't write when thing are going well. I started this blog to cope and to vent. It turned into a way to update dozens of people quickly. Along the way, I posted stories on Chicago, Canada and how my family has changed. Nowadays? I only post when I'm feeling lonely, bored or tired. One of the reasons I haven't posted? I'm tired of writing that shlock. Besides, it really isn't that bd.

My problem isn't getting out more. The problem is money. I need to find cheaper ways of having fun. Drinking gets bloody expensive after a few beers, especially in Chicago. However, it is has been a long time since I've hit bars, so I find this completely acceptable.

--

I need to write something different, but I don't know what or how.

Thought for the Day

2007-03-15T11:58:00.001-05:00

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made.
- Oscar Wilde

7 Minutes to Group

2007-03-14T14:38:00.000-05:00

I have seven minutes before I have to make an appearance at the sullivan house for an individual counseling session. This client convinced the judge that he is not able to talk in group because, "I'm uncomfortable."

This, dear readers, is a lie. He is not uncomfortable. He went to group and acknowledged his offense, talked about his offense and participated in group completely. Then he decided he didn't need to come to group anymore because he was cured. When his probation was violated, what did he do? He cried. For once, it worked.

So I agreed to see him individually. I think i am going to have to confront him too.

I had more to talk about as well; namely, it looks like my desktop has had a massive power/supply problem. Also, I had to announce that I am dork.

More on the desktop later. The dork stuff should be fairly self-evident.

Oh. and Ecto is still broken.

What to write?

2007-03-12T22:54:00.000-05:00

There is so much to write about but I am afraid to jinx it. I should know better than to be superstitious, but I can't help it. Maybe this has more to do with getting hopes up to unrealistic levels.

I don't know what I mean by unrealistic levels. I don't even know what I'm going on about.

Actually, I do. I have a few things on my mind, from my short, mid and longterm goals, to the the books I am going to start reading. I don't know where to start, how to break each goal down or even write any of this on a blog.

I'll summarize: Things are good. 2006 good. It doesn't look like anything is slowing down either.

Nerd Score

2007-03-11T22:57:00.000-05:00

Draft 2

2007-03-08T12:00:00.000-06:00

Letting Go and the Art of the Internal Soundtrack

I only have three regrets from college, and two of them are directly related: 1) going back out with Heather because 2) I was too scared to ask out Jenn. My third and final regret is not having a freshman follow me around either of my senior years with a boom-box to provide a soundtrack to my campus life. On the surface, it may appear that these regrets are unrelated. However, a quick glimpse into my psyche would reveal that I could have prevented my love life woes if I just had a sound crew. Imagine if shrill, annoying techno played while I talked with Heather and a soft, romantic ballad filled the room when I talked to Jenn. The choice on what to do would have been obvious. The cues that music provides is impossible to ignore. Personally, I don't think I would have any regrets if I had some an impressionable kid following me around with a pre-approved list of songs to play at certain events. This kind of external soundtrack certainly would have made my life much easier. Unfortunately, I'm stuck with having an internal soundtrack. Internal soundtracks, while easy to ignore, have songs that you can't let go of. It seems that songs, just like regrets, aren't that easy to let go.

My internal soundtrack is easy to ignore only insofar as it is easily changed. I have music--an external soundtrack--on in the car, at the office, at home, on the bus, while doing laundry and even in the bath. With music on all the time, it 's no wonder that my internal soundtrack adds any catchy song. I don't regret a single one, even the crappy top 40 hits.

The internal soundtrack is also fickle. If someone says a few key phrases of a song that I know, all the lyrics I can remember come flooding back. A coworker can hum a few bars of a song and I'll be right there, whistling along with them. God help me when muzak plays. While this fickle soundtrack is easy to ignore, there are times when it can still evoke emotions. Typically, this emotion is fear. Fear as in, "Dear lord, why do I remember this?!" Recently, I have come to terms with this: But that is an essay for another time.

The converse of this is also true: Certain emotions bring out certain songs. Luckily, when I'm happy, I don't sing along with Shiney Happy People, or Don't Worry, Be Happy But when I get nervous, I hear The Minstrel Boy, complete with, "In the ranks of the dead you will find him." These lyrics, as morbid as they are, does have a calming effect on me. No matter how nervous I get, I know when I screw up, I won't be killed over it. When I'm upset, any number of Nine Inch Nails songs—songs I haven't willingly listened to in years—fill my head. When my dad died, the soundtrack was limited to God's Promise, in my head and in my car. A year later, when my mom died, the soundtrack went back to God's Promise. Anytime I miss either one of my parents, I can't shake the song out of my head until I listen to Ellis Paul sing Woody Gutherie's lyrics. When I'm sad, any number of embarrassing, depressing or sappy songs are in my undercover soundtrack. It just depends on the kind of sadness. If its just general blasé, the soundtrack can go anywhere from, The Thrill is Gone to the Adagio for Strings. If there is a specific cause for my sadness, there may be a specific song for it. For example, if I'm sad and it's because of something a family member did, or didn't do, you can bet your ass that the song will probably be an Irish one.

Eventually the emotions and the songs fade away. I haven't really learned how to let them go. The best I have ever been able to do is swap out one song for another. The same holds true for regrets--I can't let them go, but I can swap them out.

This is where love, and love songs, come in. Love and regret as intertwined as Beatles harmonies. Because love is a complex emotion, all the songs in my head vie for attention. Sometimes my soundtrack has soft, sweet and meaningful songs by Ellis Paul. Other times the songs are cotton-candy (sweet yet empty) tunes by Matthew Sweet or Kelly Clarkson. A lot of the songs I have in regards to love are tinged with some sort of regret. Those are songs with minor chords. But lately the songs have been short, fast rock and roll songs--I attribute this to my new-found love for Ted Leo. None of these songs compare to what was featured on my soundtrack the last time I was in love. That song was Cannonball by Damien Rice, and like any good track, and regret, it isn't easy to let it go.

Cannonball did not start out on my internal soundtrack. Honestly, before Ginnie, it was just pretty background noise. In soundtrack terms, it was scene setting music. Looking back, at this point in our relationship, talking and emailing Ginnie was the same thing: Pretty background noise. When our relationship changed Cannonball changed. Pretty background became important foreground. Cannonball became a theme. Like any good theme, ever time I was with Ginnie the song was playing. We fell in love to this song. It was on the radio--Chicago's soundtrack if you will--a lot but it wasn't over played. The night I told her I loved her, it was on a local Chicago radio station. Each and every time we were in my car while she lived in Chicago, it was on the radio. Whenever we were driving in Canada, including the day I asked her to marry me, it was playing. Who needed to call in a request when fate supplied the music?

Shortly after one trip to Canada, I ended up buying O and the Cannonball EP. I probably didn't need to, considering how often it was on the air, but, I wanted to dissect the lyrics and the music. I was examining every detail of the song so as to better understand it. If I understood all the nuances of Cannonball, I would have some sort of insight into the relationship that we were in. This should have been a clue that something was wrong. In order to make things right between us, I had focused to my internal soundtrack for cues, as the external one screamed, "Ship her back to the frozen wastes of Canada!" Typically, it was a suggestion--again, scene setting songs--such as a carefully worded comment from my mom, an aunt or a close friend. Sometimes it was a flat out declaration. Those stark and truthful words were an attempt to change my soundtrack, or at least to make me change the song.

It didn't work. Cannonball, as a song, is about love and regret. Where as my friends and family were tired of Cannonball, I was still trying to figure it out

HA! Take that New Years!

2007-03-02T00:54:00.000-06:00

I skipped one day of writing while I was working with my old parish on an overnight retreat. This is officially my longest commitment to a resolution.

This means nothing, however, as I haven't posted anything in three weeks. I am still working on getting more stuff up.
I would love to rant and rave about This American Life's live show, but, I am off to sleep. I will say that Ira Glass has the best goddamn job in the world.

Rough Draft

2007-02-10T20:15:00.000-06:00

Letting Go and the Art of the Internal Soundtrack

I only have three regrets from college, and two of them are directly related: 1) going back out with Heather because 2) I was too scared to ask out Jenn. My third and final regret is not having a freshman follow me around either of my senior years with a boom-box to provide a soundtrack to my campus life. On the surface, it may appear that these regrets are unrelated. However, A quick glimpse into my psyche would reveal that I could have prevented my love life woes if I just had a sound crew. Imagine if shrill, annoying techno played while I talked with Heather and a soft, romantic ballad filled the room when I talked to Jenn. The choice on what to do would have been obvious. The cues that music provides is impossible to ignore. Personally, I don't think I would have any regrets if I had some an impressionable kid following me around with a pre-approved list of songs to play at certain events. This kind of external soundtrack certainly would have made my life much easier. Unfortunately, I'm stuck with having an internal soundtrack. Internal soundtracks, while easy to ignore, have songs that you can't let go of. It seems that songs, just like regrets, aren't that easy to let go.

My internal soundtrack is easy to ignore only insofar as it is easily changed. See, I have music--an external soundtrack--on in the car, at the office, at home, on the bus, while doing laundry and even in the bath. With music on all the time, it 's no wonder that my soundtrack picks up any catchy song. The internal soundtrack is also fickle. If someone says a few key phrases of a song that I know, the lyrics I can remember come flooding back. A coworker can hum a few bars of a song and I'll be right there, whistling along with them. God help me when muzak plays. While this fickle soundtrack is easy to ignore, there are times when it can still evoke emotions. Typiclly, this emotion is fear. Fear as in, "Dear lord, why do I remember this?!" Recently, I have come to terms with this: But that is an essay for another time.

The converse of this is also true: Certain emotions bring out certain songs. Luckily, when I'm happy, I don't sing along with "Shiney happy people," or "Don't worry, be happy!" But when I get nervous, I hear "The Minstrel Boy," complete with, In the ranks of the dead you will find him. This does have a calming effect on me. No matter how nervous I get, I know when I screw up, I won't be killed over it. When I'm upset, any number of Nine Inch Nails songs—songs I haven't willingly listened to in years—fill my head. When my dad died, the soundtrack was limited to "God's Promise," in my head and in my car. A year later, when my mom died, the soundtrack went back to "God's Promise." Anytime I miss either one of my parents, I can't shake the song out of my head until I listen to Ellis Paul sing Woody Gutherie's lyrics. When I'm sad, any number of embarrassing, depressing or sappy songs are in my undercover soundtrack. It just depends on the kind of sadness. If its just general blaise, the soundtrack can go anywhere from, "The Thrill is Gone" to "Adagio for Strings." If there is a specific cause for my sadness, there may be a specific song for it. For example, if I'm sad and it's because of something a family member did (or didn't do), you can bet your ass that the song will probably be an Irish one.

Few things can compete with love for making one sad. Love, and love songs, are always a kicker. Becaue love is already a complex emotion all the songs in my head vie for attention. Sometimes my soundtrack has soft, sweet and meaningful songs by Ellis Paul. Other times the songs are cotton-candy (sweet yet empty) tunes by Matthew Sweet or Kelly Clarkson. Lately, the songs have been short, fast rock and roll songs--I attribute this to my new-found love for Ted Leo. None of these songs compare to what was featured on my soundtrack the last time I was in love. That song was "Cannonball" by Damien Rice, and like any good track, and regret, it isn't easy to let it go.

"Cannonball" did not start out on my internal soundtrack. In fact, we fell in love while this song was on the radio--Chicago's soundtrack, if you will. Literally ever time I was with Ginnie, the song was on the radio. The night I told her I loved her, I heard it on a local chicago Station. It was on each and every time we were in my car while she lived in Chicago. We heard it both times we spent a day driving to Calgary, including the day I asked her to marry me. It's no surprise that Cannonball went from an external soundtrack to my internal soundtrack.

Shortly after one trip to Canada, I ended up buying O and the Cannonball EP. I probably didn't need to, considering how often it was on the air. But, I wanted to dissect the lyrics and the music, examining every detail of the song so as to better understand it. I figured if I understood all the nuances of Cannonball, I would have some sort of insight into the relationship I was in.

I turned to my internal soundtrack for cues; as the external one screamed, "Ship her back to the frozen wastes of Canada!"

There were new songs, but nothing took the place of Cannonball.

I'm sold

2007-02-10T10:30:00.000-06:00

I'm in.

Day 38: The Day I didn't write

2007-02-08T23:53:00.000-06:00

For the past month, I have been rather diligent about my resolutions. Yesterday was the first day I did not write anything substantial. Today I have spent most of my free time writing and rewriting things for the writing circle I mentioned in an earlier post. I am not that happy with it, but it is taking shape. Depending on how I think it reads, I may post the rough draft (or proto-rough draft) here tonight.

Until then....I will post random shit.

Still no Ecto

2007-02-02T16:28:00.000-06:00

I'm still having problems with ecto, but I have started a few posts. Unfortunately, they've been eaten by some odd X problems. To make things just a tad more awkward, the Ginnie post is still prominently displayed DESPITE the other posts.

This just proves I have to switch servers to the one I paid for. Its just a matter of finding the time to set things up and troubleshoot.

What?

2007-02-01T16:50:00.000-06:00

I'm having ecto problems. It deleted posts and it won't retrieve posts. Back when I figuere it out.

Rambling

2007-01-23T02:50:00.000-06:00

Geek and Diva
Originally uploaded by officergleason.

So i have all these thoughts in my head about this writing circle. What keeps sticking in my writing craw is a piece about damien rice and virginia.

What it boils down to is this: On the day I got mail about planning a wedding--with her name on it--I heard the song Rootless Tree. I'm still digesting it, but so far I think it takes the Damien Rice aspect of our relationship full circle.

In case you don't remember, everytime we were in the car together (seriously, every time) Cannonball was on the radio. It was even on the radio the day I ended everything and went to wisconsin without her. It took a while for me to be able to listen to Damien Rice again.

Rootless tree changed that. I haven't been able to listen to anything but damien rice for a few days now. These thoughts have to be processed out--not ignored or "willed" out--and that means more writing.

There is no honest reason why i should dedicate so much mental energy to her. But I do. And I probably will for a long time to follow.

Part of this processing has to address with how much a role music continues to play in my life, despite nothaving a musical bone in my body.

Its 3:00 am. TIme to sleep.
--

on a different note? Except for one last saturday, I've done quite well on my new years resolution. Also--I am still 190 lbs.

--

Also. I need a 2 new tattoo designs.

Writing

2007-01-18T22:57:00.000-06:00

I joined a writing circle with a few friends the other day. I figure most of my friends will be writing fiction. I'll be writing non-fiction based dribble. What I'll end up doing is putting draft 2 and the post writing circle thing here.

Technorati Tags: Writing

Value

2007-01-16T20:52:00.000-06:00

Something about the glitter and lights of Vegas makes me thing of worth and value. So in-between car bombs and games of black jack, I thought about the things I value. For the most part, I thought about specific people in my life: People's whose value to me is immeasurable. The friends I have made, whether in or out of school, are amazing people. I cherish all of them.

However, Tony stands alone. There is no one in this world who means as much to me as he does. Nobody. He is equal parts brother, friend, foil, pain-in-the-ass and savior. His marriage hasn't changed that. In fact, knowing how much he cares for Jackie, by default, means that she has become a another person I care deeply about.

I just wanted to mention that.

Technorati Tags: Family

Can't talk know...

2007-01-16T12:39:00.000-06:00

Fighting DCFS.

United Press International - The Washington Times, America's Newspaper

2007-01-16T12:01:00.000-06:00

United Press International - The Washington Times, America's Newspaper:

advertisement
U.S. civilians can face military trials
Jan. 15, 2007 at 10:31AM
A last-minute addition to a federal spending bill at the end of the last U.S. Congress now makes civilians eligible for military courts-martial.
      With the addition of just five words, the provision sponsored by Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., was signed into law by President Bush, and makes civilian government employees and journalists eligible for prosecution under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, the Washington Post reported Monday.
      "Right now, you have two different standards for people doing the same job," Graham said. "This will bring uniformity to the commander's ability to control the behavior of people representing our country."
      Legal experts say the change will likely raise constitutional challenges, as civilians prosecuted in military court don't receive a grand jury hearing and are tried by members of the military, rather than by a jury of their peers.
      Until now, civilians could be tried under the military code only during a declared war, but neither operations in Afghanistan nor Iraq involve such a declaration.

If bloggers are considered journalists, then can bloggers be tried in military courts?

The text of the article implies that this is only for federal government employees and journalists; regardless, it is laws like this that make me think we are leaning closer and closer to a fascist state. Journalists are necessary for democracy to function. Without journalists report the news of our Government--the good, the bad and the ugly news--the populace cannot make informed decisions on their representatives. I don't find it surprising at all that Sen. Graham introduced this measure. I don't see how he can be described as an independent when he tows the party line when it comes to the "War on Terror."

Technorati Tags: Fascism, fascists, Government, Impeachment, Justice, WarOnTerror

I should be..

2007-01-12T15:46:00.000-06:00

..working on a JSO evaluation, plotting out a new design for my blog, plotting new budgets or just getting pumped for my Vegas Trip. Instead, I'm fawning over the customized google home page.

Technorati Tags: gadgets, Geek, google

Timeline of the Tucker

2007-01-12T15:40:00.000-06:00

The following is an account of my friend's recent troubles with the Bow-Tie Wonder, Tucker Carlson.

Timeline of the Tucker:

I have been asked to write a timeline of all the interactions and incidents surrounding the Tucker situation. I am worried that too much more on this is going to turn my ego space into a one trick pony, but I do take requests on occasion. The real problem with ponies is that I don't know how to ride ponies and they are enemies of the state.

Between 8 and 9:30 pm on Friday, December 22, 2006: Tucker comes to store, opens account and rents unspecified movie.

Approximately 12:15 am Saturday, December 23, 2006: Chuckles publishes blog about encounter.

Between 6:30 and 8 pm on Friday, January 5, 2007: Tucker enters store, threatens Chuckles, leaves. Chuckles resumes working and tries not to let shit get to him.

Approximately 11:15 pm on Friday, January 5, 2007: Chuckles takes post down from site in order to be a basically nice guy, even though he doesn't like being threatened in his place of business.

Between 12:30 and 1:30 pm on Monday, January 8, 2007: Chuckles receives call that his employment at the unnamed video store has been terminated due to threats of legal action against the store.

Approximately 2:31 pm Monday, January 8, 2007: Chuckles reposts the original offending post, updates it, updates the explanation post, then posts his statement of the entire affair.

Between 7:00 pm and 8:15 pm Monday, January 8, 2007: A man identifying himself as a lawyer for Tucker Carlson enters the video store and asks questions of employee (whom we shall call EmpAlpha) about Chuckles such as Chuckles' full name, blog address, home address, current employer, whether the post was removed, whether the blog was deleted, etc. Chuckles arrives at video store shortly after this person has left.

10:40 pm Monday, January 8, 2007: Chuckles updates the post about the whole thing.

Sometime after 5 pm Wednesday, January 10, 2007: A person enters the store asking an employee (now called EmpBeta) questions about EmpAlpha. It is currently not known whether the questing person on Wednesday was the same as the person on Monday. The questing person on Wednesday did not identify himself as a lawyer for Tucker Carlson so far as Chuckles knows. Chuckles receives word of this incident from EmpAlpha, not EmpBeta. EmpBeta has not read Chuckles' blog, apparently.

Between 2:00 and 2:30 pm Thursday, January 11, 2007: Chuckles gives interview to Washington Post Reliable Source column.

3:14 pm, Thursday, January 11, 2007: Chuckles receives word that Tucker Carlson is denying having a lawyer and Tucker also states that he is not pursuing any action against The Genius.

You all may make your own conclusions from the facts of the situation. Personally, I doubt the person that had been asking questions about me will ever show up again. The simplest answer is that Tucker called the lawyer off as soon as he received a phone call from the Post. It is almost too bad that moron of a lawyer couldn't figure out how to either find me or contact me, even after I posted an email address on this blog. I doubt that guy is worth the money, but what do I know? I am just a member of the peasant class.

Technorati Tags: Beloit, DC, Government, puppy, Scandal, WingNut

$100 A Month

2007-01-10T12:27:00.000-06:00

To buy this in june. To quote my buddy Lauren, "in the long run, it'll be cheaper than a girlfriend. I'd say go for it."

Freelance Genius: His Bowtie Knows Where You Sleep...err...Work

2007-01-08T20:50:00.000-06:00

Freelance Genius: His Bowtie Knows Where You Sleep...err...Work:
The wingnut wankjob I mentioned in the formerly removed post, Tucker Carlson, has threatened the video store where I now formerly worked with legal action and as a result, I no longer work there. I do not have access to these threats but I can imagine that they consist of something similar to this:

"I'm easily the most recognizable conservative pundit today, as my wikipedia page will attest, but goddam it, I deserve to be recognized only if I stand to benefit from it! I am a huge asshole and I expect to be treated like one. I will fucking destroy anyone who dares to poke fun at me and so help me god my bowtie is stylish and not at all funny! I can't believe that I might be subject to ridicule after I physically threatened another man with destruction because he mentioned me on his blog!...

The Genius is a friend of mine. He lives in DC, where any two bit wanker with a bow-tie Schtick becomes a pundit. Read the Genius' blog and see how this exchange unfolds.

Technorati Tags: Beloit, WingNut

Stupid Resolutions

2007-01-08T03:21:00.000-06:00

I am doing what I can to stick with these resolutions. Writing something before I sleep.

I had attempted to finish up all my writing and reading long before 3am; however, I was at my brother's house fixing his iPod. I went over there just to visit. As I was leaving, he asked if I could look at it--this was at 11:30 or so. I know I got home by 2:30. I didn't need to stay that late, nor did I really have to drive home. I wanted to do both. I can barely function at work without my iPod; I know that Tony had a bunch of music he wanted to listen to. It was the least I could do.

However, I think I am no longer going to agree to work on anyones computer, iPod or gadget after 11:00 on a weeknight. This way I can fix my own broken gadgets--and clean up my work areas--at a reasonable hour.

Reasonable being 2 am.

Technorati Tags: Family, gadgets

Before I sleep

2007-01-04T02:33:00.000-06:00

Coming back to work after a week away wasn't that big of a shock. In fact, I rather enjoyed it. I can already tell where I am going to have trouble though. As active as my social life can be/has been/could be, I'm not happy with it. The key here? Moderation.

Yup. I am writing about Meta-moderation: Moderation in all things, including moderation. I need a balance between my various "social" and "vaguely social' activities and still have energy for new things (and work). Towards that end, I'm going to vary, but limit the video games and include the following things:

1) Local Brewery tours of Chicago--good blogging assignments too.
2) Board game night: I'm going to drag the nerds out for beer and board games at our local bars.
3) Better posture. I figure by keeping my head up, looking people in the eye and saying, "Hello!" in an audible voice will do wonders for the whole, "I'm a social being!" crap.
4) One trip a month. In the summer, this includes 3-lakes.
5) Write something before sleeping every night--even if it isn't chipper stuff.

I refuse to allow 2007 to be any less awesome than 2006.

Only Losers Flip Their Collars Up

2007-01-01T16:29:00.000-06:00

Only Losers Flip Their Collars Up
Originally uploaded by Cyradis.

The title says it all. For more pictures, check out Alison's set.

Reamans, Minus Sarah

2006-12-29T14:20:00.000-06:00

Reamans, Minus Sarah
Originally uploaded by officergleason.

Most everyone knows about my family that lives around Chicago--but I have relatives who live out in DC too. My aunt and uncle (who are also my godparents) always fly out to see us; so, this year, for Christmas, I decided to fly out and see them.

I was treated like a prince. I got to sleep in, they were cooking for me and in the end, they paid for just about everything--even when I went for the bill.

Going back to the grind after a vacation like this is going to be painful.

Technorati Tags: DC, Family, Photo, Pictures, Christmas2006

No Ralph Macchio?

2006-12-28T00:30:00.000-06:00

So I uploaded three pictuers to myheritage.com's face recognition site. One picture didn't turn up anything. One turned up this:

The Other gave me this:

On this note, I am going to go watch the Dr. Who Christmas special.

Technorati Tags: Face, Photo, Pictures, Celebrity

Green Lantern? What the hell?

2006-12-22T20:48:00.000-06:00

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern		85%
Spider-Man		80%
The Flash		55%
Iron Man		55%
Robin		45%
Hulk		45%
Superman		40%
Wonder Woman		35%
Catwoman		35%
Batman		30%
Supergirl		20%

Hot-headed. You have strong
will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Wisconsin Weekend In Review

2006-12-17T15:35:00.000-06:00

I went to wisconsin with a number of grand ideas, including reading at least 3 books, finishing a personal statement revision and writing a number of emails and short stories.

Instead, I finished one book, started another and considered finishing paperwork for work on monday. I'm sure that I could not have completed everything I wanted too, but, I'm still disappointed in what I "failed"s to accomplish. I managed to relax for a few short days, but on the way home, I've gotten extremely nervous about everything. Work, future school plans, future plans, all of them. I had hoped to take this mini-vacation to figure out what I should do next. Granted, I figured out a few things, but I haven't made any serious progress.

The problem is I spend too much time thinking, "What should I write in that personal statement? How should I adjust my JSO curriculum?" instead of just doing it. I'm pretty sure that this is another symptom of burn-out: Indecision.

Burn-Out. This is fantastic. At least I waited until the next of the year to burn out.

It was supposed to be a bit funny

2006-12-16T18:08:00.000-06:00

I have never taken my "blogging" or "public journaling' seriously. When I whine, rant or kvetch about something, it typically means that I have talked to at least one other person. The key here being typically. On occasion, I have ranted (more honestly, I've whined) here before trying to tackle whatever issue was on my mind. I'm trying to step away from that.

Anyway, telling the spirit of Christmas to fuck off wasn't just a cynical statement about the holidays. It was supposed to be a bit funny, especially since I had ranted with a buddy just before posting this. I'll work on my humor in 2007.

Technorati Tags: Apology

The Spirit of Christmas: Fuck Off.

2006-12-14T01:53:00.000-06:00

I have no tree this year: I have no room to put one and I have no energy to put up any ornaments. Since I have no energy to put up ornaments, my ability to pack said ornaments after the holidays is also suspect. Therefore, no Tree.

I am in a position in my life to do lots of wonderful things. I have vacation and sick time again. I typically have enough money every week to cover all of my bills, savings and "reward" myself with a little something. I have friends and family that people are, or should be, jealous of. But I am spinning my wheels. I haven't moved on my personal statement in months. I am slipping at work. My social life, while improving dramatically, isn't really going in a direction that I want it to go in. I don't have enough time, or money to do what I want--but I have a fuck-ton of stress.

I keep thinking back to this other (personal) blog that I read. This blogger wrote that if they could hand over their decisions to someone else that they trusted, just for a while, they would. I couldn't agree more. It seems that I have been making a lot of difficult choices lately, especially when it comes to work, and I am tired of it. Problem is, I have a problem letting people do my laundry, let alone making important decisions for me. Also, I wouldn't ask any of my friends to make those kind of decisions for me.

Simply put, I am tired of responsibility. Christmas was just one of the "responsibilities" that I have decided to get rid of this year. This isn't so much of a Bah, Humbug. It's a, "hey, I'm busy. Fuck Off." Kinda response.

I do have more to write and to say. However, I have to sleep. I get to go to a christmas party--I mean a holiday party--in my office tomorrow. Yeah me.

Just a spoon full of medicine....

2006-12-06T01:15:00.000-06:00

The Disney Blog: Mary Poppins re-cut into Horror film:

Click, go and cry.

By the time I post this, group will be over.

2006-12-04T23:47:00.000-06:00

I have about 20 minutes before my JSO group begins. By the time this gets published, group will have been over for at least three hours.

To say that I have been down on myself lately is an understatement. The drastic weather changes from Chicago to Seattle--and back again--activated my asthma, making my post-Seattle adjusttment even more miserable. Mind you, as much as I enjoy Seattle, I do love chicago. My family is here, a good number of my friends are still here, and while I do know the city well enough, there is still more that I want to explore. This doesn't mean I don't have some urge to move out west; on the contrary, every time I come back from Seattle, I think how different my life would be if I moved out there.

But different isn't necessarily better. Different really only becomes better when you get tired of the rut of everyday life. When I left for Seattle, I was in a pretty deep rut. Upon coming home, I realized that not much had changed. I didn't honestly believe that I would return home to find that "everything" had changed. I did expect to return recharged and refreshed. Instead, I get back and I'm sick, tired and completely unsatisfied with life.

Ladies and gentleman, it doesn't get much better than that.

Feeling miserable, lonely and sick, I decided to indulge in googling exes--hoping that I could gloat at their misfortune. That didn't work. It didn't pan out as badly as it could, but did I really didn't need to do that. Granted I discovered that two of my exes aren't doing that well, and I felt a bit worse.

I took a cue from my the last few years, and stopped fighting it. The feeling miserable, that is. I gave in and just let it happen.

If I have learned one thing in the years since my parents deaths (and post-ginnie life) it is that I am solely responsible for my happiness. As much as I want someone to keep me motivated and provide a (little) bit of comfort, that really is not going to be a panacea. What is going to keep me going is the realization that even when upset, I still get stuff down.

So In essence, I got tired of feeling sad. I decided to fix things. Considering that nothing is really broken, and I'm just being hard on myself, this is a bit easier to fix.

Technorati Tags: Angst, Catharsis, whining, Worries

Before I sleep: Pardon me for being shallow

2006-12-01T02:59:00.000-06:00

After finishing a bottle of red wine (it was only 3/4 full) I googled 5 exes. Two I couldn't find anything about--but I didn't look in the right places. I know how to find one if I want to, the other just kinda disappeared. Two are not doing so well--one is broke the other...lets not talk about the other. Another ex is doing quite well and she (and her partner) seem to be making a rather large difference in this world, like I always knew she should would.

This is not an exercise I want to do again, but it was worth doing.

Shopping for Presents?

2006-11-30T22:59:00.000-06:00

I know you are. At least, I bet most of you are. A good friend of mine from college has got a new store and a new company. Jellio. Go there. Check it out. The Gummi Bears are all his and, in my opinion, Classic Kevin.

Now if he only did a Mr. Skullhead in a castle thing...

Again I Had Some Brilliant Ideas

2006-11-29T23:35:00.000-06:00

But again, I forgot them.

This is getting to be a bit worrisome. I'm used to jumping from topic to topic--but usually I can remember something. I am going to chalk this up to just being over-tired and stressed. Funny how I come back from a completely stress free environment only to be swamped by stress.

Tomorrow, however, should be better.

Badge as Chew Toy

2006-11-27T15:31:00.000-06:00

Badge as Chew Toy
Originally uploaded by officergleason.

As if I needed another reason to visit Seattle?

06 in Review

2006-11-26T21:54:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving is, in my opinion, the best time to look back on the previous year. Look, December is all about Christmas and New Years, presents and parties. There are conversations about the year before at new years: Typically there is the Sober Conversation, wherein we talk about the year before in a lucid manner. Then there is the Drunk Talk. I rarely remember drunk talk.

So as I am flying off to Seattle for Thanksgiving, I've realized that 2006 has been the best year of my life. Every aspect of my life has improved: Finances, work, travel, social life, it's all better. Granted, given what happened between 2003-2005, I have a hard time imagining how it could have gotten any worse. But status quo does not lead to the best year ever.

Weddings, concerts, visits from out of state friends, visits to out of state friends, a trip to Ireland. Hell. I lost 30 lbs and fourth teeth. Okay, losing the wisdom teeth wasn't that great, but losing 30lbs? hell. yeah.

The best part of this year? I don't have a single regret.

Technorati Tags: Resolutions, Review

Now What?

2006-11-13T00:05:00.000-06:00

Earlier this afternoon I had a brilliant idea for a blog post. It involved grief, music and my up-coming trip to Seattle. I have completely forgotten everything I intended to write.

The Decemberists show was awesome; but the "Win an evening with Officer Gleason" did not go as planned; which was a shame, as the winner of the contest seemed very cool.

So that's it. I have nothing people. nothing. nada. zip. In honor of having complete brain failure, I'm going to go to bed early and read about Zombies.

Freedom

2006-11-09T23:16:00.000-06:00

yeah yeah. I know.
But the video is awesome.

GOP officials: Rumsfeld stepping down - CNN.com

2006-11-08T12:18:00.000-06:00

GOP officials: Rumsfeld stepping down - CNN.com:

GOP officials: Rumsfeld stepping down

It is a bit premature, but, I wanted to share my feelings about this.

All You Fascists

I'm gonna tell you fascists

You may be surprised

The people in this world

Are getting organized

You're bound to lose

You fascists bound to lose

Race hatred cannot stop us

This one thing we know

Your poll tax and Jim Crow

And greed has got to go

You're bound to lose

You fascists bound to lose.

All of you fascists bound to lose:

I said, all of you fascists bound to lose:

Yes sir, all of you fascists bound to lose:

You're bound to lose! You fascists:

Bound to lose!

People of every color

Marching side to side

Marching 'cross these fields

Where a million fascists dies

You're bound to lose

You fascists bound to lose!

I'm going into this battle

And take my union gun

We'll end this world of slavery

Before this battle's won

You're bound to lose

You fascists bound to lose!

Words by Woody Guthrie

Music by Billy Bragg

Words © Copyright 2000 by Woody Guthrie Publications, Inc

Technorati Tags: Fascism, fascists, Government, Lyrics, Rant, WarOnTerror

ABC News: Army Recruiters Accused of Misleading Students to Get Them to Enlist

2006-11-06T12:26:00.000-06:00

ABC News: Army Recruiters Accused of Misleading Students to Get Them to Enlist:

Army Recruiters Accused of Misleading Students to Get Them to Enlist

Manning says, "I still believe that this is the exception more than the norm. … I've visited many stations myself, and I know that we have many wonderful Americans serving in uniform as recruiters."

Still believe. I also believe that people can and do have good natures that one can appeal to. I don't bank on it.

The army has had problems in recruiting since the War began. Now they lie and lower standards. We have two ingredients for another fiasco. It is really only a matter of time before another military scandal breaks.

Sorry for the lack of eloquence here.

Hey

2006-11-06T11:57:00.000-06:00

Watch

Changes

2006-11-05T21:11:00.000-06:00

Now has my Email Address for mysterious Brazilian's.

Pato Misterioso

2006-11-05T11:57:00.000-06:00

Your name gave you away, but your IP address was the clincher. If you don't leave a way for me to get in contact with you, I'll be forced to take drastic measures.

Dear Canadian Reader

2006-11-03T11:13:00.000-06:00

Hi. Please leave a comment. I won't bite, even if we broke each other's hearts.

Embarassment for blogging

2006-10-30T13:49:00.000-06:00

The things I do for blogs.

Anyway, feel free to write something up over there.

AWWHH

2006-10-28T20:23:00.000-05:00

Brain Death

2006-10-28T19:28:00.000-05:00

My brain died at 5:45pm, CST. I was in Argo Tea, trying to read Mark Haddon's new book, a spot of bother, when I realized that, "I actually can't care less about a middled-aged british man and his family foibles." I tried to write a few blog entries, stories and work on graduate school apps. Instead, I sat and read things about Dr. Who.

As an aside, I want that suit. Just, damn. I need that suit.

I have no capacity for anything intelligent today.

Intermission

2006-10-25T10:50:00.000-05:00

Thank me in the comments

The Multi-Purpose Bathroom

2006-10-24T23:45:00.000-05:00

Dear America

I love cell-phones just as much as you do. Seriously. I've had my fair share of cool ones, hi-tech ones that did everything except make phone calls and utilitarian ones. I text as much as the average city dweller, play with ring tones far less than the average teen-ager and I do use most of my minutes in a month. I do not, however, use my cell-phone in a public bathroom--my question to you, my fellow americans, is why in the hell would you think that's appropriate?

I understand that Bathroom's are used for a multitude of purposes. I did not know that phone booth was one of them. I'll be really fucking blunt here: If I'm doing my business in a stall, the last thing I want to hear about is your goddamn marital problems and how you are going to arrange for your PI's services (this just happened). I'm sure you PI doesn't want to hear you piss either.

At least, I hope not; that thought just brings up too much cross over from my day job.

Just because your phone rings doesn't mean you have to damn well answer it. In fact, all service providers have Voice Mail for their handsets. Can you use it? I'm pretty sure you can.

Next time, America, when your phone rings and you're in the bathroom? Let it ring.

Cheers

Marty

Technorati Tags: Bathroom, Cellphone, Rant

The Methodology of Officer Gleason

2006-10-24T13:52:00.000-05:00

The number two question I am asked, in regards to my job is "how do you do it?" The number one question is, "Wait what do [your clients] do?" Question one is easily answered, "you really don't want to know." Question two has been exceedingly difficult to answer--I've had a bunch of throw away responses for 6 years--but I think I can finally answer the question.

First, one has to have a mindset for this work. Not to sound overly political, but, part of this work demands a liberal bent. One has to be educated, believe that one can change and can listen to some pretty gruesome details. In my experience, I have not seen anyone work with my clients and be successful with a conservative out look on life. This personality trait, however, is not a primary aspect to doing this work.

I have found that perspective, detachment and empathy are the key to working with my clients. Perspective, in this instance, simply means the ability to change one's view of the situation. Detachment is the ability to remove oneself from the situation or circumstances at hand. Empathy means a certain level of sensitivity where you try to feel what another person is feeling. Perspective and empathy have some commonalities, but the best way to show their differences is show that with perspective, one retains their own emotional state. Empathy is where you specifically attempt to feel someone else's feelings.

At this point in the post, I should point out that the original idea I had is long gone. I started thinking of this entry late sunday night, after a beer at the Twisted Spoke, after my long time friend Tony asked me, "How do you do it." In the spirit of full disclosure, I think he was talking more about my work hours than my actual work. Since this time, I've started work on two evals, received two more referrals, and preparing for another interview. It is a bit overwhelming.

But this is where detachment comes in. The ability to pull away from the details of the work and rise above it helps give me enough perspective on the gestalt of the case to finish it. In other words, perspective and detachment equals productivity. Where one gets bogged down is empathy. If one feels too much for the client, or the victim, the best thing that can happen is one's judgement gets clouded. The worst thing that can happen is vicarious trauma.

Vicarious trauma is the phenomenon where in one begins to suffer some of the psychological effects of trauma by working with victims of traumatic events. Please don't quote me on this, but if I remember right, people who suffer vicarious trauma have higher rates of PTSD-like symptoms (flashbacks, hyper-villignance, extraordinary irritability, depression, frequent nightmares ) than the regular population. This is not a question of emotional fortitude; by working with a population who has been victimized, one exposes oneself to chronic trauma. Of course a person is going to feel shitty after seeing how horrible people can be to their own kind.

It is not easy Sometimes one is too drained emotionally to empathize or too attached to take proper perspective. Sometimes no matter how much one detaches, empathizes or takes perspective, it gets to you. The more one can detach, empathize and take perspective, the longer they can do this.

That's how I've managed to do my work for the past 8 years. I do have a few other tips and ticks up my sleeve, but those are all supplemental to the other skills I've been developing.

Technorati Tags: Family, Friends, GTD, Juvenile Justice, Liberal, Opinion, Probation, Productivity, VicariousTrauam

Tattoo

2006-10-23T13:18:00.000-05:00

Lately people have been coming here from Google Image Search--by my Family Crest Tattoo.

I don't find it weird or curious; I'm just stating the obvious.

Most Dangerous Phrase In English

2006-10-21T12:19:00.000-05:00

I propose that this phrase is, "What's your problem" and all its variations, "What's your fucking problem, what the fuck is your problem" etc. This phrase is not a question so much as it is an invitation to assert dominance.

In other words, "What's your fucking problem" leads to a fight.

Now, I try to keep from saying this phrase. I know when I say it, I am reacting to my surroundings in an alpha-male, and very primitive, fashion. Instead of attempting to reason through the situation, I am going to try and smash my way through. I need to make it very clear that I am not one built for "smashing." I haven't thrown a real punch in years; I am fortunate enough to have a bark (and a badge) that does most of the fighting for me.

Last night, I wasn't the one who said it. Hell, no one said it to me either. In fact, it was Tony who said it--and that is even scarier.

See, Tony doesn't swear. Tony doesn't typically provoke fights. When he does either, I am expecting something drastic. Last night, Tony was the one who said, "What's your fucking problem." All I heard was Tony say the phrase--and I was out of my seat and standing as close to him as I could. I'm not particularly sure if I did this to break up a fight or have my brother's back--I would like to think it was the former, but it probably was the later.

What had happened was this: We (Tony, Jackie and Tony) were at a fairly crowded bar. Our table was small and attached to the wall. We couldn't make more room unless we moved to another table. Now, the guy behind Tony kept on pushing him backwards in his chair. Tony kept scooting forward, and the guy behind him kept pushing him back. Finally, after being pushed up against the immovable table, Tony decided to call the guy out. Granted, instead of reacting calmly, he used the phrase. One minute I'm enjoying my cider, the next minute, I'm thinking which person is going to take a swing first. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed.

Just thinking about it makes me feel rather stupid. A complete overreaction on our (mine and Tony's behalf). The guy pushing Tony was clearly in the wrong--but Tony's reaction was a bit over the top. So was mine, and it could have made things worse. There was no reason to assume that a fight is going to break out. But that goddamn phrase, and the swearing, from my brother kicked in all sorts of thoughts and behaviors not fit for civilized folk.

And the lesson learned? Next time we go out, we get a bigger table.

His name was John

2006-10-18T13:32:00.000-05:00

The first rapist I ever met was a friend of mine named John. I was 15 when we became friends, but I had known him (and mocked him) since the 6th grade. He told me in Chemistry class that he couldn't hang out one day because he had to "Check in with his probation officer" one day. I asked what he was on probation for--he said statutory rape.

I didn't believe him at the time--but he convinced me with the phrase, "No, seriously. We had sex and her mom pressed charges. Its not that big of a deal." I filed it away, too naive to think that a friend of mine could have committed rape.

Two years later, I went out on a date with one of his Exes. She told me about the times they had sex--she made it quite clear that she did not give consent each time they had sex. I stopped being so naive.'

Since then, I've had other friends tell me about their abuse. I'm sorry for those times that I wasn't as supportive as I should have been. I feel like I should have known better, but the fact is I had no idea what to do. Fact is, sometimes I still have no idea what to do.

I'm bringing this up now, as I write up another intake. This kid, another 15 year old, sexually assaulted someone more than 10x. His victim is not anywhere near age appropriate. I cannot help thinking back to the day when I had no idea how rampant sexual abuse was, when I didn't have to deal with it on a daily basis. I'm really not sure what is better: Being naive to sexual assault or being immersed in it on a daily basis.

Technorati Tags: Juvenile Justice, Rant, SexAssault, Worries

Since There are sooo Many people who read this:

2006-10-11T09:27:00.000-05:00

Go buy tickets to the Decemberists show. 11/11/06 at the Riv.

Hang in There!

2006-10-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

Of all the annoying, trite and useless phrases we use to comfort each other, I find that phrase, "Hang in there" to be the most egregious. Good lord. Is there any other phrase that is that emasculating? I cringe every time I accidentally say it. It is meaningless.

"Just sit there and be passive. Things will work out in the end!"

What a bunch of bullshit. Granted, sometimes one needs to be patient; but if the only thing you can think of to say to someone who is having a hard time is "Hang in there!," then you should probably just not talk to people.

Ever.

Left to my own devices

2006-10-09T14:57:00.000-05:00

Left to my own devices, I often wonder what the hell I was thinking. This isn't just a "what have I done today/this week/this month;" no, I ruminate about things that happened [b]years[/b] ago. Ruminating, for those who don't know, is a fancy word for dwelling. I dwell. Lots. I rethink and replay events from 10 years ago, if I am left to my own thoughts for any extended period of time.

Of course recent events replay in my head too. This makes things like, un-returned phone calls and attempts at being social, a bit of a nightmare for me. However, I have learned how to take perspective and put certain events into their place. In other words, as long as I do everything I can possibly do, the dwelling becomes tolerable.

Still, always second guessing myself is a pain in the ass. Granted, I've been able to make it positive by "learning" from my mistakes; however, for once I'd like to just be able to not dwell on my failures.

On Foley

2006-10-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

I don't mean to get on the "Kick the Hebephile when he's down" wagon, but I wanted to add my two cents regarding the individual from Florida's 16th congressional district.

First thing's first: From the chats I read at ABC News, these chats were not sexually suggestive or "naughty." They were sexually explicit, charged chats that clearly indicate an attraction to post-pubescent males. And yes, that is my expert opinion. Stop saying "suggestive." They were explicit.

When we talk about the root cause of Foley's behavior, two things have been mentioned in particular: That he was molested by a clergy man when he was a teenager and that he is gay. I have worked with well over one hundred sex offenders, of which about 30% have been sexually assaulted by a family member or a close family friend. Their own victimization did not lead to their sexually aggressive behavior. According to the literature (in this case, Understanding, Rehabilitating and Assessing Juvenile Sex Offenders by Paul Rich, citing the Office of the US Surgeon General (US Department of Health and Human Services, 2001) sexual abuse as a child does not predict violence. Given the statistics on child sex abuse victims (1/4 girls, 1/8 boys) if sexual abuse as a child predicted sexual violence as an adult, we'd have a lot more offenders.

Sexual abuse as a child, however, leads to more sexually problematic behavior (such as promiscuity, sexual discomfort and sexual dysfunction) in adulthood. Foley stated that he was sexually molested (implying, to me, fondling. I do not meant to minimize his account; at the same time, I do think that he suffered significantly more trauma than what he has alluded to) by a clergyman between the ages of 13 and 15. Foley is using his own victimization as a defense: This is a common tactic among individuals who have sexual behavior problems. The fact is, however, that one's own victimization history is not an excuse to offend others. A clear majority of victims do not go on to offend. In short, his defense is a rationalization of his behavior. I do not believe that this rationalization should be tolerated in any way, shape or form.

The other concern mentioned in regards to Foley is is orientation. Because he is gay, his behavior is understandable. Excuse me? Again, the majority of sexual offenders identify themselves as straight. none of the literature on my desk shows any connection, correlation or link between homosexuality and sexually assaultive behavior. Anecdotally, I've had two clients, out of 80, who said they were gay. In my opinion, orientation does not play as large of a factor in sexual assault as one might think it does.

By Foley's logic, straight men should not be allowed to work with teenager girls because they may send them sexually explicit emails and IMs. That is a problem with the boundaries of the adult. One would hope that an adult is able to, well, be a goddamn adult when it comes to sexual matters and adolescents.

Which leads me to Ray LaHood. Yesterday, on WBBM, Mr. LaHood discussed changing the way the page program worked to , "keep our kids safe." What part of the program needs to be changed? At what point in the Page Program do kids expect to get sexually explicit materials from a trusted adult figure? The 3rd week?

The problem, sir, is not the program per se. If you want to keep the kids safe, the participants need to be changed. Specifically, if the people we have elected to government, regardless of political ideology, cannot keep professional boundaries (ie: keep your hands off a child and not send them unwanted sexually charged email) then those elected officials need to be recalled and held accountable.

As we talk about accountability, lets talk about taking responsibility for covering up Foley's sexual misconduct. Hastert has stated, "I'm deeply sorry this has happened and the bottom line is we're taking responsibility," Hastert told a news conference outside his district office in Batavia, Ill. "The buck stops here.". As I write this, I am looking for a full transcript of his apology. Let's examine the statement I quoted:

"Deeply sorry this happened."
Okay. Sorry what happened? Foley happened? the delay? Be more specific Mr. Speaker.

"And the bottom line is we're taking responsibility, the buck stops here."

We. Not me. Not I. We. The republican party is taking responsibility. That is what he is saying. The ownership of the responsibility is plural here--and last I checked, there was only one Speaker of the house. He has not taken responsibility, he has diffused it.

And what does this responsibility entail? When one takes responsibility for certain actions, one actually does something. The Republicans have "claimed responsibility" for a number of problems--but what have they done to make things better? The phrase "taking responsibility" is a throw away statement--if they meant it, they'd do something about it.

Everyone wants to keep kids safe; it's a goddamn universal. Wanna keep kids safe? Vote against these bastards on Nov. 7.

Technorati Tags: Buggery, Government, journalism, Justice, Juvenile Justice, Rant, RightWingWackos, Scandal, SexAssault, sexcrime, Suburbia

This is not a question we need to ask

2006-09-29T21:55:00.000-05:00

Watch the video, then read.

A retroactive pardon? What? And this is going to pass?

What in the world have we become?

Three Days of Conferences

2006-09-29T19:56:00.000-05:00

I spent roughly 18* at the ATSA conference. Over all, it was a very informative and well run conference. However, I walked away from the Hyatt thinking I should find a new fucking job. This is nothing about my ability to do my job; I have more training and experience than a majority of treatment providers. The fact is, I think my job maybe harming more kids than it is helping.

We don't have the facilities for our kids on site. We don't have as many tools and assessments as other providers. While we can do a great supervision component, supervision may not be as awesome as I was led to believe three years ago. The assessments and clinical tools we use are outdated, not validated and provide “Avenues for further discussion” as well as, “Liability.”

You know what the scariest thing is? I think CCJP is infinitely better than the majority of community agencies in Chicago.

Starting monday, I'm going to be a part of a huge reform effort. These kids need more help than what they are getting; if this means completely changing my job description, then so be it. A changing job description is a way to minimize the massive change I'd be doing: I would be giving up my groups. I would be doing only supervision and case management. There have been days where the only thing that has saved me from quitting were my groups. I'll bite the bullet if it means helping these kids.

I have more on my mind than work shit. But first, I have to figure out something to write for metblogger.

Sorting Tags: Chicago, Juvenile Justice, Law, Rant

Dear Hip Person

2006-09-25T18:18:00.000-05:00

Please explain why MySpace is any good. Seriously, I can get most youth trends, but this MySpace thing is blowing my mind. Shitty layouts, no support for good standards...owned by News Corp--you know, the fascist media outlet that is a mouth piece for the current american regime--it seriously lower the standards for the digital age.

The social networking aspect of MySpace is the only thing that makes any sense to me...but can't we do it a bit better?

Speaking of social networking, I'm not a big fan of the digital aspect of social networking. I use it, but, these days I prefer coffee to commenting.

Hotdog

2006-09-25T08:36:00.000-05:00

PICT0605.JPG
Originally uploaded by officergleason.

While he is the married one, he is also the Gleason that owns, and wears, a Hot Dog Suit.

Two Years

2006-09-25T00:27:00.000-05:00

I am looking for a good pictures.

Mom and Dad

2006-09-25T00:25:00.000-05:00

Mom and Dad
Originally uploaded by officergleason.

I never, ever, get tired of this picture. That being said, I have a few more to upload.

Chicago Metblog Meetup

2006-09-22T15:59:00.000-05:00

Chicago Metblog Meetup
Originally uploaded by Fuzzy Gerdes.

These are (most of ) the folks of Metroblogging Chicago. Poke your head over there and read it.

Just Say No

2006-09-20T13:38:00.000-05:00

Oh Whitney.

Advice for the Day

2006-09-20T10:30:00.000-05:00

Ladies:

If you are going to date a guy straight out of prison, please do the following:

1) Don't have sex with him the day he gets out of prison

2) Make him use a condom

If you don't follow these two steps, please do not be surprised when dude simply UP AND DISAPPEARS AFTER SEX.

I simply cannot make this up.

A Personal Regression

2006-09-20T00:42:00.000-05:00

As a student, I prided myself on attempting to be open-minded on a number of issues. I loved the idea of religious, political or economic debate, and I would participate in those debates as frequently as I could. I'm not sure how effective I was in those debates, as they either became heated or the people I “debated” with agreed with me. If the person I debated was my father, his goal was to see how long it would take me to get heated--despite the fact that he agreed with me.

I don't know when I decided that being “open minded” was a waste of my time but I know that is how I feel these days. In some sense, I feel debate is a lost art form. Lets say I present a case on why the war on terror, as conducted, is waste of life. The retort? “Why do you hate America?” That's not debate, that's a non-sequiter. This is why debate is dead: no matter the argument, the response is typically, “Why do you hate America.”

I don't hate America. I do support our troops. I am against each and every war Bush has led. If we want a real war to fight, let's go back to the War On Poverty or the War on Cancer.

What brings this on? El Presidente's remarks in front of the UN today. Ration and reason are foreign concepts to this man, so is telling the truth and personal responsibility.

I know that's a blanket, unsupported statement. At 12:45 in the morning, I think even writing a coherent sentence is an achievement.

Thoughts Before Group

2006-09-12T17:40:00.000-05:00

I have a client that is consistently early these days. I prefer early to later, simply because I can get out early. Also, when I process with the family in regards to this client's particular progress, I am not staying past 5:30.

In the half hour or so run up before group, I get to process a few thoughts so I can provide my client with the attention that they need and deserve. Today my thoughts are all over the place, so I'm going to blog a few of them.

First and foremost, I have a general answer to the question “How does it feel to have a sister in law?” The answer is simple: Jackie's been a sister to me since my mom died. So how does it feel? Fantastic. In addition to helping my brother, Jackie also spares some time for me. There is nothing new about it; it is a continuation of something that I have been thankful for for more than 2 years.

That, however, isn't my main thought.

It'd be a complete understatement to say that my life has changed over the past year: I got fat, then I got skinny. Dated lots. Saw my brother marry the person he was supposed to marry. Went to Ireland. I beat depression, managed my grief and figured out how to turn my paperwork early. I bought fancy brown shoes.

Hell, I've managed to figure out (more of) what I want out of life and what I am willing to do to get it. I don't have a problem dealing with whatever life throws at me, but I still have a hard time “going with the flow.” Personally, I think going with the flow is a sucker's game.

Put my faith and trust in what and hope it works out for the best? Please. That is not me.

More after the Bike Ride

Sorting Tags: Family, Rant

Safer

2006-09-11T06:50:00.000-05:00

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families who were victimized on 9-11.

Five years later, however, all we have to show for our loss is a two front war and a village idiot for president.

If I'm Not Back in 15 Minutes, Send Somebody After Me...With Grenades

2006-09-11T06:33:00.000-05:00

As a general rule, I don't reblog friends blogs...but Jenny's take on my brother's wedding is cool to make me break that rule.

If I'm Not Back in 15 Minutes, Send Somebody After Me...With Grenades:

10 September

It’s not exactly the most fitting title for a blog about a wedding, but I told Mike and Uncle Dan Conti that’s I’d use it. Mike was afraid he was gonna get lost on his way to the bathroom. 8-)

As you might have guessed, last night was Tony and Jackie’s wedding,

of which any attempt on my part to write about it will not do justice. Not to use a phrase worn incredibly thin by all people who describe weddings, but it was absolutely beautiful.

It was outdoors, and even though it was cloudy the weather couldn’t have been much more perfect. The theme of the wedding was “We found paradise in each other”, and with all the flowers and fun details that Tony and Jackie put into their ceremony and reception it really couldn’t have been better.

The day started out a bit crazy just because Mike, Susan and I had absolutely no idea what was going on. We were supposed to meet up with Marty and Tony and all the groom’s side peeps for lunch and to while the day away, but we never quite managed it. So instead we went to lunch, and Susan and I went and got our hair done all fancy. It wasn’t until Mike and I were back at the hotel getting ready that Marty finally got a hold of us – turns out his phone had run out of juice - and told Mike (an usher) that he needed to be at the wedding site in 20 minutes. Good thing I had the car!

Of course it all worked out in the end. As a mere spectator at this wedding, I’d have to say that everything went off without a hitch, but of course I wasn’t privy to most of the details.

I do know that the family rallied at the end and had to take care of a lot of last minute details, but you wouldn’t really have known that without being told so. Overall the general atmosphere of the whole affair was one of fun and welcoming. Wedding treats included lollipops and bags of fresh-popped popcorn. There was a magician roaming around doing all kinds of tricks for people, and both Tony and Jackie did a remarkable job of going around to every table, some more than once, to say hi and make sure people were having fun.

I did, at times, feel a bit like an interloper since I’m not as close to Tony or Jackie as I am with Marty, and I didn’t know a whole lot of people other than some of their friends and immediate family. But I never got the chance to feel alone or anything. When the Pastor decided to sit at a different table, I was invited to sit down with Mike, Susan, and some of Marty’s family – so dinner was an absolute hoot.

Apparently there’s a family tradition between certain cousins of discretely (or not so discretely when young Gina gets involved) throwing food, so I got to watch as the occasional ice chip or tomato message was passed from table to table. 8-) The war ended when my table concocted a face out of salad items and had it hand delivered – you just can’t top that, so I think that should be considered a victory!

Once the dancing started the evening, of course became something of a riot.

Predictably that’s when my camera started to poop out because the light levels were off and people were moving too quickly. Tony and Jackie, and their accomplished stalker-like photographers – were of course in the thick of things, having what looked to be an awesome time. I was even persuaded/forcefully led onto the floor to inflict my particularly horrible brand of dancing upon both Mike and Marty, but all survived the evening without loss of life or limb, so I guess that’s a good thing! 8-P Once the reception was over a bunch of people, still in fancy clothes, headed over to a local bar and hung out for a while. I bought a silly souvenir T-shirt just to commemorate the evening.

I guess, given circumstances over the past few years, I feel a little protective towards the Gleason family (even though most of them aren’t actually Gleason’s, that just how I think of them all). I first met Marty’s immediate family one Thanksgiving back in college when they opened their home to some of us rootless Beloit folk. Over the years I was introduced to Marty’s many Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and even Grandma Pristo, and I’ve never felt like I was anything less than totally welcomed and accepted by everyone. It’s an amazing feeling. These are all good people and I want nothing but good things for them. With the exception of joining them last year when Tony proposed to Jackie, it seems like lately I’ve only been around at the worst possible moments.

My favorite part about the whole day yesterday was that I could finally see everyone all happy again. If any people out there deserve peace and good times it would be this family, and if I prayed, I’d include them in my thoughts every day. Marty is one of my best friends, and part and parcel of him is his family. So, much as I love him, I love his family too – that’s all there is to it. Here’s this wonderful family on such a happy day.

The Toast

2006-09-10T23:31:00.000-05:00

Huh?
Originally uploaded by officergleason.

There is a traditional toast in my family, and we'll get to that in a little bit. Now, I've been the best man a number of times; and this is the best person I Could ever stand up for. But to be honest, there was a time when we didn't think Tony would get married. Now I wasn't there for this story, but I've got permission from the people who were there to tell the story...

Tony had moved out and was living down-town. He was roommates another Tony, Tony Wagner. One night, they all decided to China Town, to the 7 treasures restaurant"

"I don't remember this."--Tony
"You don't remember the fortune?"--me
"Oh crap, I remember this."--Tony

"Anyway, they went to the restaurant, and Wagner didn't have the money for it. So Tony decided to cover him. The joke was, "haha, look at Tony and Tony on their date." Well they get to the end of their meal, and they each get their own fortune cookie. Tony reads his and busts up laughing. Wagner reads his and cracks up too. They turn to each other and say, "Dude, you gotta read this." and "Oh man. my fortune is so much better than yours. So they swap fortunes--then they laugh even harder. The people they were with are asking them, what did the fortune say. They then showed everyone and read it out loud:

"Stop looking for True Love, its sitting right next to you."

"The story doesn't end there. Tony goes home and tells our mom. And she, in her classic 'I love you and I will support you no matter what' way says, "Well, do you love him?"

"Now, as much as my mom Loved--no, loves--Tony Wagner, she loved--no, loves--Jackie more. We cannot have imagined a more perfect couple. This brings us to the Traditional Gleason family toast: Here's to Friends who are family and family who are friends. And tony, couldn't have chosen a better friend to bring into our family.

"Now, please, everyone raises glasses to Jackie and Tony Gleason."

--

Immediate Family

2006-09-10T23:15:00.000-05:00

Immediate Family
Originally uploaded by officergleason.

When I think of an immediate family, this is who I think of.

Seriously--you should be jealous of me.

Sorting Tags: Gleason, Love, Pictures, Family, Toast, puppy

They Done Got Married

2006-09-10T20:00:00.000-05:00

No hassles, no last minute problems or worries. It classy, touching and beautiful.

I have pictures.
I can't upload them for a while, mostly because I can't find the cable for my phone.

As We Get Closer to Tony and Jackie's Wedding

2006-09-01T14:28:00.000-05:00

Now, I've written letters here before, mostly to people who are no longer a physical presence in my life. I also tend to write these letters and not publish them... but for cathartic reasons, I'm putting this one up here.

Dear Ginnie

A week from now, Tony is getting married. It's no wonder that I've been think about my folks, and you, as of late. There is definitely a part of me that wants to know how you are doing, to hear your voice, and just make sure that you are okay. I've finally decided to do something about that...so I wrote you this.

I know your fine--and I expect you to be fully over what “us.” You're not mercenary--you're just made of strong stuff. You were always so resilient, I can't imagine you hurting that long.

I don't wonder where we went wrong or why. I miss you somedays, and to be fair, I hate you on others. Overall? I'm just sorry. I don't wish you any ill will, nor do I really have any hard feelings for you. When I “hate” you, its only because there is still a part of me that cares. Like you said the last time you visited this place, “I don't think I'll ever stop caring.”

If we could have had what Tony and Jackie have, it would have worked out. I know this...and I know why it never would have worked. It is not your fault, nor is it mine. That does not mean I didn't love you, it just means that it just wasn't enough.

I still hope that you find exactly who, and what, you are looking for.

Always,

Marty

Sorting Tags: Angst, Apology, Catharsis, Faith, Family, Gleason, InPursuitofJune, Love, mourning, Marriage, Rant, Vixen

The Fountain

2006-09-01T14:25:00.000-05:00

The Fountain
Originally uploaded by officergleason.

Pretty, isn't it?

Weight

2006-08-28T20:18:00.000-05:00

So everyone says I have lost weight. So far the total is 20lbs.

back to work

The Inevitable Bachelor Party Post

2006-08-23T16:18:00.000-05:00

Crazy I started this post before I we left for Tony's Bachelor party. I am finishing it up just after I came home. I am kinda cheating at this, but you people don't care that much. If you did, we probably wouldn't be friends.

Tony had his Bachelor party. t started in Milwaukee and ended in Three Lakes. We had a few things planned for him, but we didn't need to bail anyone out of jail. There are a few blurry camera phone shots of this event, but i think the clearest picture taken is of people high-fiving Jesus.

Jesus needs his props.

Anyway friends from every aspect of Tony's life were there. We had family, work friends, high school friends and college friends. Not the biggest crowd, but definitely a very close one. I know Tony had a good time--and I'm dead positive that others enjoyed themselves too.

What was hard was being in Three Lakes, knowing that my dad would have contributed something. God knows what he would have contributed... The closer we get to the wedding, the more I feel the loss. If I feel it, I'm sure Tony does too. What was great about this weekend, however, was despite our loss, we were able to have an excellent time.

Making sure that Tony had the best time is all that really matters.

On Friends

2006-08-22T23:17:00.000-05:00

I've been reading the comments and I think I need to make something clear: I will do so through a story.

Years ago, when Mike and I were in college, he said to me--on his way to class--“You damn dirty papist!” I replied with, “Rot in hell you infidel bitch!” Someone over heard us, and chastised us for being “culturally insensitive” with each other. Mike and I responded at the same time, defending the other vehemently. I don't remember who we said this to, but this person obviously didn't know us; given how nasty we got, I doubt we knew them.

Fact is, Mike and I give each other shit on a fairly regular basis. He says stuff that may seem rather rude--and sometimes it is--but his intention is to cut through my self doubts and make me feel better. At the same time, I do similar things for him.

Trust me, the whole “Pathetic” thing is funny and while it was rude, the real intention was to show me how absurd my worries are.

Bachelor party post coming up.

CNN.com - Sources: Arrest made in JonBenet Ramsey case - Aug 16, 2006

2006-08-16T16:59:00.000-05:00

CNN.com - Sources: Arrest made in JonBenet Ramsey case - Aug 16, 2006:

Sources told CBS News that he is a 41-year-old American and second-grade teacher.Two law enforcement sources told CNN the man was under investigation for an unrelated sex crime when information led to his arrest in the Ramsey case.

...I've commented about JonBenet before. What is bugging me here is that allegedly this suspect was arrested in Thailand for “unrelated sex crimes.” Thailand has been trying to crack down on its sex-tourism industry, especially the pedophile tours (if the reports from NPR are to be believed). The fact that this guy is a teacher, arrested on “unrelated sex crimes charges” and a suspect in another sexual homicide (a fact that is often glossed over). If the school hasn't been notified and an investigation hasn't been started there....well, someone dropped the ball. Again.

Sorting Tags: Government, journalism, Justice, SexAssault, sexcrime, Rant

“You know why they're doing this? You've finally reached a point where your aunts find you pathetic.”

2006-08-15T02:33:00.000-05:00

With those words, my buddy Mike reached a new level with me.

The whole conversation started as I explained to Mike that my aunts all had someone they wanted me to meet. I tired to describe it as a competition, but he went right for the jugular.

Considering that he has now stated that he has someone that he wants me to meet, he must find me even more pathetic.

Now I appreciate how my friends and family are looking out for me, but, I think I'm okay. A break before dating is a good thing. While I am typing this, I should probably point out that I have called a few of the numbers I've been given.

My family is looking for “nice and pretty.” I'm sure there is more to their criteria--but it is boiling down to the basics for them.

I have more to write about this whole “set up” thing; in the 16 years I've been dating, I've not been set up once. At the very least, this entire escapade will make for an interesting story.

Not Reduction, Elmination

2006-08-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

Child Trends DataBank - Adolescents Who Have Ever Been Raped:

National Goals

Through its Healthy People 2010 initiative, the federal government has set a national goal to reduce the rate of rape and attempted rape from a baseline rate of 0.8 for every 1,000 people ages 12 and older to a rate of 0.7. There are no specific goals for adolescents.

The point of this initiative should be ELIMINATION. No plans for adolescents? .1% decrease within 5 years?

The government's priorities are skewed. The average person is more likely to suffer from trauma that is not terrorism. This type of policy statement just makes me sick. The government is supposed to keep us safe from all threats, not just ones they create with bad foreign policy.

I promise one day I'll rant about something funny, even if its in a self deprecating way.

Sorting Tags: Government, Justice, Juvenile Justice, Law, Rant

Three Different Titles

2006-08-09T20:38:00.000-05:00

I had three ideas for this post's title. I forgot one. That left me with:

“I Saw My Ex's Mother Panhandling Today”

and

“I became domestic at 14; I've not been able to look back since.”

I think the one I forgot was funnier.

I thought I had a post in me; turns out I don't even have a vague rambling.

Current Sentiments

2006-08-03T09:24:00.000-05:00

Ted Leo/Pharmacists:

Loyal To My Sorrowful Country

No more shall I be loyal to my sorrowful country.
No more shall I be loyal to my sorrowful country.

Oh I've walked from coast to coast, and I've seen, yes I've seen.
No one's business but my own, where I've been, where I've been, and
No more shall I be loyal to my sorrowful country.
No more shall I be loyal to my sorrowful country.

In the days when we were young, we were free, we were free.
Now that Georgie's reign's begun, we won't be, we can't be, and
No more shall I be loyal to my sorrowful country.
No more shall I be loyal to my sorrowful country.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-ooooh!

Though my name of bygone years is in the land, in the land,
I'll uproot it without tears, and I'll change it if I can, and
No more shall I be loyal to my sorrowful country.
No more shall I be loyal to my sorrowful country.

Woooh-hoooh!

Sorting Tags: Music, Lyrics, Rant

That Makes 4

2006-08-02T13:31:00.000-05:00

I have now recommended that 4 children receive service in either a residential setting or through the department of Juvenile Justice. I am not entirely sure of my own statistics her, but, I think that is a lot. I am not a fan of residential services. Normally, I'd just be feeling a bit drained after an eval like this and the court appearance. However, right now I have to wear a beeper.

That's right: Straight from the 80s, I am wearing a beeper on my belt. It is set to go off randomly so I can jot down what I am doing--all within their cryptic coding system--so the court can get more money. They, in this case, is DCFS. They hold the purse strings to additional Federal funding. It's called Title IV-E. We have been threatened that if we do not earn this money, or if we screw up on the forms and end up COSTING the county additional money, then there will be layoffs.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a team player and I love evidence based practices. At the same time, I have serious reservations about 1) taking a page from DCFS's play book and 2) Being a Guinea pig for this type of “evidence based practice.

First of all, IF DCFS had a decent reputation for payment of services, delivery of services and helping wards of the state, I'd be more supportive. Unfortunately, DCFS has one of the worst reputations for working with kids in this state. So why should probation, a pioneer in the field, work this way? Because we have to work within the system.

Fuck the System.

The system is broken. The system does not help children and families. The system maintains the status quo in order to preserve the existing social order. I know what I sound like--a bleeding heart liberal/Class warrior, which I am--but I can back this up. Current studies on Minority Confinement clearly indicate that children of color are 2-4x as likely to be held in custody, compared to equivalent charged white children. Why would that be? If the charges are the same, then shouldn't the time in detention be the same? What mitigating circumstances warrant a lack of detention? The answer is simple economics. Inner city youth lack the resources to acquire the legal help, treatment or supervision to impress upon the judge that they are not a danger to the community.

The connections the private attorneys bring to the table do not hurt either.

Furthermore, there is an abundance of services (counseling, health care) in suburban areas; however, in the inner city, health care is limited to a handful of hospitals and a few non profit agencies. We, being the system, can provide those services in our own, locked, facilities.

The System gave up on the War On Poverty. It ended with a draw. We are now willing to accept the ”Working Poor“ as a social class.

In addition to giving up on the War, the services for families in crisis, in urban areas, is pathetic. DCFS is understaffed and under-qualifited to address the needs of its wards. This is not new. This is not a disputable fact. One caseworker may have a caseload of 40+. Even with a case load of 15+, which is allegedly their average, providing services in service starved areas is impossible.

Think of it this way: Mom has to put food on the table for her three children and get her children to counseling because they were assaulted by a baby sitter. Because she no longer qualifies for the certain benefits, she is going to have to pay slightly higher than the sliding scale fee for treatment. That could be $50 a session. Three kids. $150 a week on treatment alone. $600 a month. She was already working two jobs to keep food on her table, but now she has to quiet a job because DCFS is monitoring her closely, and she needs to supervise her kids. That is not adequate support; that is urging a the kid to fail.

Argue with me that ”she shouldn't' have had those kids.“ Then mom should have had proper sexual education--but she can't, since we've made ”abstinence only“ education the only method for sexual education. Abstinence only does not work. Argue with me that she should have paid better attention in school. I'l show you where she went to school--lets see how well you do with a class size of 30, under-qualified teachers and schools caught in gang fights.

Every single solution we have attempted to use on addressing these issues has failed. The System has not empowered the community to address these issues--the System has applied band-aid solutions to each issue it has had to address. Band-Aids do not work for compound fractures.

I am not going to say that the System does this intentionally; but to cling to a broken System because ”better this than nothing“ is criminal when we are seeing more failures than successes. Salvage what works from this System, admit failure, and move on.

Sorting Tags: Government, Juvenile Justice, Liberal, Opinion, Rant